Motivation For Girls During The School Year

Posted on November 4, 2020 by Sierra Dator, LCSW

What used to fuel your girl to keep going during the school year might not be existing any longer. Maybe it was seeing her friends, having others view her as smart, sporting an outfit she loves, having a positive relationship with her teacher, enjoying a class, or her extracurricular activities that were keeping her moving and motivated to do well.

We are all motivated by intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation is what comes naturally from inside of us. The drive to do well and succeed. Extrinsic motivation comes from outside of us. It comes in the form of praise, being recognized by others, and earning something like the first chair in band class or being a starting player on her soccer team. Oftentimes they coexist.

The problem girls face today is they aren’t getting much of the extrinsic motivation the school environment used to provide. Keeping your camera off on zoom, only seeing one another from the torso up, and no longer having any organic conversation inside or outside of the classroom is taking a toll on kids staying motivated. Girls aren’t having the extracurriculars that for some girls made school worth it.

So what can we do about this dilemma?

We can teach our girls about intrinsic and extrinsic motivation and help our girls create their own forms of motivation. I would encourage you to ask her questions about what she feels she is missing and invite her to share her experience. Meet her with empathy. With that said, see if there are any organic openings to create motivation. You might have to teach her about this idea. The catch is, it’s going to look different than before. Making a mug of hot chocolate after her grueling Trigonometry class. Watching a movie with friends, even virtually, after getting her paper done. Heading to Michael’s to get some art supplies to celebrate getting a B or higher on her psychology assignment.

Now I know many parents feel disturbed at the idea of buying their kids rewards. For the record, do not promise big screen tvs, the latest iphone, or exotic trips. Teach them about earning within reason. When we first get a job, we don’t get thousands of dollars. Here in CA, you will earn just over $15 for one hour of work. Use monetary rewards reasonably. Yes I will buy you a $15 app if you have no missing assignments at the end of the week. No, I will not buy you a game system for getting an A on your test.

Above all, we want our girls to experience intrinsic motivation. We want them to have drive. But the reality is we are motivated extrinsically, and that’s ok. I hope you go to work because you love your job, but I bet you are motivated in part by your paycheck. These two motivations are not always mutually exclusive.

In closing, I wish you and your family the best in this new wave of the parenting journey!

Credits

Article inspired by Lisa Damour’s recent post on “How to Do School When Motivation Has Gone Missing” in the NY Times

Photo Credit by @bethlaird on Unsplash

Anxiety During Covid And Uncertain Times

Posted on October 5, 2020 by Sierra Dator, LCSW

In uncertain times, anxiety is bound to flare for many people. However, if we have tools to best support ourselves, anxiety can be kept at bay. Watch this video on how to move through COVID anxiety through taking precautions and learning how to tolerate the rest.

Want to talk with me about anxiety? You can contact me here.

You can find more articles on anxiety here written by me. Also head to the Mayo Clinic to learn more about different anxiety disorders.

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A post shared by Sierra Dator, MSW, LCSW (@sierra_dator_lcsw)

Parent Self Care Is Essential

Posted on October 1, 2020 by Sierra Dator, LCSW

Family time is fuel for kids. I know it might be a lot for parents at times, but know when you are interacting with kids you are giving them what they need. Your time, attention, and ear. They are energized by your laughter and interest in them.

If you are struggling, you’ve got to dig deep for them. You also need to carve out time for yourself. I know there are real barriers to making this happen. One idea is to get up early before anyone else. This might not seem fair, but making yourself a priority and giving yourself time can really help you set a positive tone for your day. A second idea is to coordinate time with your partner or another trusted family member/friend to provide care. But you’ve got to ask. Your loved ones aren’t mind readers.

We can hold all of the tragedy in a negative light, and we can shift our mind set to one of gratitude. This time with family is priceless. It’s an opportunity we never had before this very year. For me, I no longer feel like a hamster on a wheel, and for that, I am grateful.

How do you care for yourself when on family overload?

Help For Parents Of Teens

Posted on July 20, 2020 by Sierra Dator, LCSW

Watercolor paper with quote about parenting a teen and what to do when feeling challenged

As a teen parent, we can get wrapped up in our teen’s words and find ourselves angry, hurt, yelling, and vengeful. But remember, so much of what others say isn’t about us, including our own family members. Maybe your teen is feeling left out, bored, or angry at the state of the world. Nothing you have control over. I mean, what parent wouldn’t wedge us out of this pandemic to offer their teen a summer of a lifetime if they could?

So keep quiet and breathe. Not obnoxious breathing but calming breaths. Listen to your teen, holding onto the notion this isn’t about you. And if they invite you to speak, use reflective listening. Meaning reflect back what you heard them say. You could start with something like, “Let me see if I’ve heard you right?” Or end with, “ Am I hearing you correctly?” And watch that tone parents. Don’t go picking a fight.

Lastly, if there is a point needing to be made, wait until later and go back to it. “Remember when we were taking about X earlier?…..”. Timing is important.

Yes parenting is an art in need of constant refinement. We don’t need to get it perfect. We just need to try our best. Sometimes our best is absolutely beautiful, and sometimes it’s not. That’s ok. Take a breath. Try again.

To All Class of 2020 Graduates and Parents

Posted on April 7, 2020 by Sierra Dator, LCSW

girl at graduation with cap and gown facing peers

A note to all graduates (8th, high school, college, and beyond) and their parents:

I can’t imagine. Working so hard, spending so many years, and then bam, nothing. I got to have an 8th grade promotion, a high school graduation, a college graduation, and opted out of my graduate school ceremony. I had all those events that tag along with it. Senior skip day, prom, dressing in a cap and gown, spring sports and banquets, senior fun night. I also had a choice about whether I participated or stayed home. I am so deeply sorry for those of you who don’t.

I still remember both my high school and college ceremonies. The event itself, the family parties, and even better, the parties with friends after. These memories are stored for life, and I want to tell you again, I am so deeply sorry if you have to miss these major life milestones.

I write this apology to you as an adult who who can recognize on a profound level just what this loss might be like for you.

I know my apology, my sorry might not mean much because there is nothing myself or the other adults in your life can do to save you from the heart ache of missing out. What I want you to hear though is that we see you, we feel you, and we know a lot about grief and loss and what it feels like.

I hate to be the bearer of this news, but grief and loss will come throughout your life. It may stay longer than you’d like. It comes in the stages of denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, and acceptance. You might think grief and loss only shows up when someone dies, but I hope you learn early that this process will come in many forms. Not because I want you to experience it, but because it will in fact come. Loss of friendships, loss of intimate relationships, change of jobs, change of schools, death of animals and people, climate change, change in leadership, and loss of graduation to name a few. There is so much that can evoke the strong winds of grief and loss.

Yours is a generation focused on being happy, and I am so thankful for the joy it brings. But I caution you not to overlook or push away the feelings of grief and loss that may be knocking at your door. Because the catch with grief and loss is, it comes at its own time and stays for however long it decides. It’s a feeling we can’t control. No matter how much you try and bury it, it finds ways to emerge. So welcome your sadness, your anger, and your hurt. Tend to those feelings with the great love you possess. Treat yourself the way you would a friend. Be kind, understanding, and patient with your feelings and yourself.

And when you can, check in and be real with your feelings and share them with your friends. One of you needs to step up and say something. You don’t have to pretend it’s all ok, and you don’t have to go it alone.

Us adults, we may not walk in your shoes, but we’ll do our best to be there for you. We all know about grief and loss and the pain it comes with. We will hold your hand and heart, offer you love and support, sit quietly with you because no words can undue what’s been done, and get through this time.

COVID And Making Weekends Great Again

Posted on April 3, 2020 by Sierra Dator, LCSW

Mom and daughter during covid on the weekends

When I got home from work yesterday, we did our new routine. Wondering what that is? Don’t hold your breath for something magical. We ate dinner together and watched tv. It may not sound out of the ordinary for you, however pre COVID-19, a few nights a week, we didn’t eat dinner together for various reasons. We also didn’t watch tv during the week. So this new routine is in fact new. Covid and weekends are bringing us all something new.

Because I am still at my office and the chores continue, things do feel different to me, but in many ways still the same.

From A Child’s Point Of View

When I look through the lens of children though, things are drastically different. Online school, no in person contact, not many places to go, sleeping in a little longer, staying up a little later, baked goods coming out our ears…..

My kid the other day said to us, “I’m not looking forward to the weekend. It’s just more of the same. I can’t tell it apart from any other day, so I am not looking forward to it the way I used to.” I was a bit surprised as I am loving this slowed down life in a lot of ways. But then again, many things are the same for me. I took her feelings in though and thought, “She’s totally right! She telling me she needs something different.” This change for kids is a hard one and isn’t going away in the near future.

So I’m on a mission to make weekends great again. I’m not talking about buying a big screen tv and purchasing a swimming pool. No spending huge amounts of money to satiate my kids.

I’m talking about what I can do within reason to make weekends during Covid feel like something special, and I would love to hear your ideas.

Here are a few ideas I have:

1. Rent a movie. Yes we are watching shows during the week, but renting a movie is different. Or doing a movie exchange with another family but leaving them on your porch and swapping.

2. Get take out. I haven’t been eating out much at this time. Truth be told, my husband is a chef so I eat killer food much of the time anyway. But going out is something special my girls love to do, so I am going to allow my girls to choose the menu this weekend in ordering some take out.

3. Dust off my bike. Since we have a dog, I always stick to walking/running. However, my kids are going to love it if I can ride with them. Yes this involves leaving the dog being at home, but Gracie girl will get her exercise another time.

4. Picnic. Being outside in nature is the best! It definitely fuels me. Plus, they will have my undivided attention. No chores staring me in the face when I am outside.

5. Outdoor art. I love to do art with my kids. Time to get outside with the supplies. I don’t have the time during the week for this, so this will be extra special for my kids.6. Build an outdoor fort. Living in the country, we’ve got some materials to play around with. Plus we’ve been watching old episodes of Alone, so let’s put those “survival skills” to the test!

Got some ideas to share on Covid and weekends? Please send me an email for more I can include with this post!

Want to learn more about how to handle COVID anxiety? Check out my video here.https://sierradator.com/2020/10/anxiety-during-covid/

COVID-19 And Resources

Posted on March 20, 2020 by Sierra Dator, LCSW

I want you to know I am here for parents, girls, and all the wonderful clients I get to serve through my therapy practice and Wise Girl Workshops.

I know times are tough in so many ways. We are in the midst of a world crisis and a host of unknowns. Even though this is the case, I want you to know I am still here and available. I have moved my entire private practice and Wise Girl Workshops program to an online forum, so I can continue to see my individual clients and workshop participants from the comfort of their own home until we can get back into the office. Please let me know if you would like to schedule by sending an email here.

I have been working on ways to give back to the community and world I love so much. This week I have been in conversation with Hilary Truong from Our Girl Collective to offer FREE “3 Conversations For Parents Of Girls In Uncertain Times.” These conversations talk about how to manage anxiety, self care, resiliency, social isolation, and media overload for parents so you can better support your girl. Please note, they will only be available until Sunday March 22, 2020

The other way I am supporting the community is by offering a donation based virtual Social Emotional Workshop series for girls. You can find all the details in the flier below. These workshops are for residents of California and are not considered therapy. Instead this a forum for girls to come together, support each other, develop healthy coping skills, and engage in a mindfulness practice. There is a suggested $25 donation but no one will be turned away for lack of funds. See the flier attached here for more info. You can also reserve her spot here.

Want to know more about Wise Girl Workshops?

Parenting Tip: Body Positivity

Posted on January 25, 2020 by Sierra Dator, LCSW

https://time.com/collection/guide-to-weight-loss/

Parenting is about being mindful about what we say and do. Being mindful isn’t always easy though because we are human too. Even if we are mindful, sometimes things slip out leading body positivity heading out the door. Parents of girls really need to be cautious about how they talk about weight, bodies, and diet, whether about themselves or someone else.

Girls are listening to you even when you think they aren’t. Even girls as young as 5! You are their primary role model around many aspects of their life, especially around body image, self esteem, and health. They are getting fed a ton of messages each day that is unconsciously and consciously shaping their beliefs and attitudes. Let the messages you are giving them be ones of empowerment, self love, unconditional love for them, self acceptance, and the ability to make healthy changes. Model these messages everyday. And when you mess up, make some repair.

Want some local resources on how to help support your girl in being body positive? Remember, parenting is no easy task, and we can use professional help to get your girl all the support and info she needs to help her in feeling good about who she is, inside and out!

Social Anxiety On Netflix

Posted on January 19, 2020 by Sierra Dator, LCSW

Check out the latest family friendly show about a middle schooler with social anxiety and his emotional support animal Dude. While it doesn’t accurately depict anxiety for many kids, it does take out some of the stigmatization and can create some empathy for kids who don’t experience social anxiety. The program does a great job of depicting how anxiety impacts the entire family and the day to day of life going to school. While I am only 3 episodes in and don’t love shows with talking animals and humor I find to be luke warm, the show is growing on me. Watching a kid make new friends, a family adjust to their kid returning to school, and a boy exposing himself to his fears and grow tolerance to anxiety is warming my heart. And to see my own kids laugh and enjoy the program let’s me know this is a good show for the 9-12 age group. Looking forward to checking out more!

Happy New Year!

Posted on January 2, 2020 by Sierra Dator, LCSW