Ready to Start Therapy for a Better Life…

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Ready to start therapy for a better life?

PLEASE NOTE:  I am offering both online and in-person appointments for residents of California.  Please reach out to schedule with me here.

Are you feeling overwhelmed by depression, anxiety, OCD, trauma and/or changes in you or your loved one’s life? Looking for support for yourself, your child, teen, or family? Breathe a sigh of relief. You may be in the right place.

I provide therapy for youth, individuals and families. I specialize in the treatment of depression, anxiety, OCD, trauma and life transitions in my lovely office located in countryside of Petaluma, California.  Online therapy sessions are also an option. Overall my work centers around what my clients are wanting in their own lives. I help them unearth the resources within themselves to make it happen.

I also specialize in using Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART), which is an amazing technique helping people to not only process difficult times in their lives but also develop a way of seeing the world that is more pleasurable and aligned with who they are and what they value. Whether due to trauma or other life events, stuck images and thoughts can prevent people from living their best lives. Using ART helps people to lose the pain from the images and memories of their past. ART is a remarkable technique offering quick relief using specific eye movements.

In addition, I am also the founder and lead-facilitator of Wise Girl Workshops, a wellness and empowerment program for girls, youth, and parents. This program focuses on making wise decisions, increasing self-esteem and confidence, developing healthy coping skills, and decreasing stress and anxiety. Wise Girl Workshops is not therapy and is instead a forum for people to come together and develop skills to help them live life at their best.

I am passionate about my work which comes through in meeting with me. Furthermore, what makes me different from other therapists is simply who I am. My sense of humor, compassion, skill set, and love for what I do and those I have the honor to work with is unique to me just as you are unique to you. I believe the relationship is everything and together we create something unique to us. Something that cannot be replicated no matter who walks in my door.

Contact me!

If you are looking for an experienced therapist and are ready to start therapy, then please feel free to contact me and see how I may be of help.

I offer daytime and evening appointments.  If you are ready to start therapy, I can be reached by email here. I look forward to connecting with you!

Also, you can follow me on Facebook or Instagram to ensure you are always up to date on my posts, articles, and events.  For Wise Girl Workshops posts, check out Instagram and Facebook.

Are There Benefits to Being Unwell?

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Have you ever wondered for yourself or someone else if there can actually be a benefit to not being well?

While that may be true consciously for some people, many times there is an unconscious process happening where a person doesn’t realize how certain behaviors are keeping them stuck and pulling them away from what they say they want: to feel better, heal, or stop harmful patterns.

This unconscious process is called secondary gains. It means that, in some way, being unwell is serving a purpose.

For example, someone who struggles with anger may have learned that exploding is the only way people listen. If the anger goes away, there may be an unconscious fear that they won’t be heard.

Or someone with severe anxiety may have learned that panic is the only way to get space, avoid pressure, or have others finally take their needs seriously. If they grew up feeling unheard, anxiety may have become the language that got attention.

So if the anger or anxiety improves, they may be left with the deeper fear: Will anyone listen to me now? Will my needs matter?

Understanding secondary gains can create empathy and insight. In many cases, it is not conscious manipulation—it is an old survival strategy that once worked, but no longer serves them.

Healing often means helping someone build new, healthier ways to feel safe, be heard, and get their needs met. Therapy can be one powerful way to do that.

If you’d like support exploring these patterns in therapy, feel free to contact to set up an appointment.

How to Work with Self-Hatred

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sierra dator on ocean vista feeling relieved from self-hatred

My Origins of Self-Hatred

“Wow, you’re really hiking fast,” one of the two younger hikers says to me. “I just saw you way back there and wow—here you are now! You’re quick!” she says with awe in her voice.

“Yeah, I’ve only got so much time,” I respond, appearing clumsy as my foot slips in a divot.

I wish them a good day and keep moving. And within seconds, it hits.

The self-hatred.

The embarrassment that can wash over me when I’m spotlighted in this way. And the familiar tension I carry around time.

The thought, “I f-cking hate myself,” comes up strong and fast. An old neuropathway in my brain ready to fire on demand—like it’s been watching and waiting around the corner for a moment just like this one.

I feel the sensation in my stomach. The familiar head shake when self-hatred strikes.

Then the thoughts begin to flow.

“Why are you so f-cking worried about time? Why do you have to move so quickly? Regular people don’t power hike—they enjoy the view. Regular people aren’t so worried about time. What’s wrong with you? What are you even doing? Why are you out here alone, stupid…”

A Little Backstory

About two weeks ago, I made some decisions.

The first was that I’m not going to train for any running races this spring. Last year I ran three races and enjoyed them, but it required a lot of work and a lot of time. My running partner and I started training again in January, but then I proposed something different. Now we’re cross-training in a way that feels good with far less time commitment.

The second decision was committing to more backcountry hiking this summer. In fact, I just scored a Yosemite lottery backcountry pass for August. I know I need to prepare for the elevation and miles if I want to complete the route I have in mind.

Lastly, I have a tricky relationship with time.

As the owner of two businesses, someone who deeply wants to stay connected to her family, and someone who also wants to care for herself, every minute of my day can feel accounted for.
Sometimes that productivity feels like a point of pride when my ego is leading the charge.

But more often than not, it’s a source of embarrassment.

When colleagues ask how many clients I see, or friends ask if I have any free time, I sometimes want to shrivel up. When my husband wants to tell me something, I tell him his place in the queue; I often wish he could be first.

A Tool For Self-Hatred

Back on the trail, the internal spiral continues for a few minutes until I consciously decide to use one of the emotional tools I’ve been practicing lately.

I’ve been using this tool with powerful results, but I’ll admit—I was a little skeptical about how it would work with these old mental haunts. These thoughts have been permanent residents in my brain for a L-O-N-G time.

As I continue cruising up the trail, I give it a go.

I lean deeply into the feeling of embarrassment. Instead of pushing it away, I let myself actually feel it. I imagine facing it head-on. No swiveling away. No escape hatch.

And then something surprising happens.

The embarrassment begins to melt.

I can feel the sensations softening inside my body.

And the grounded self-talk begins to rise.

“Hey Sierra. It’s okay. You can walk fast. Remember—you want to get in shape for those backcountry dreams. This is part of it.

And maybe you change your mind and decide to race again. If that happens, you’ll be ready—and happy you kept your fitness up.

You’re enjoying yourself out here. You aren’t missing a thing even if you’re moving quickly.

Today you’re conscious of time because you started a little later than planned. You run two businesses you care deeply about. You had a few emails to send so your clients were taken care of—and now here you are.

And you value seeing your daughter play lacrosse. You don’t want to miss a minute of her game. She’s number one.

I know you miss some things because you work—but you’re also working for her. To help make her dreams come true.

It’s okay, girl.”

Getting Back on Track

And just like that, the storm passes.

Within ten minutes I’m back on track—motoring along and reaching the end of the trail in record time. I sit down, grab a snack, and take in the view.

Historically, I know this moment could have gone very differently.

I could have stayed stuck in self-hatred for hours. It could have ruined the entire day. My thoughts would have kept going, pulling out the full laundry list of my faults, skipping like a scratched record for all ten miles—and then some.

But I’ve been working hard to apply the tools I teach others to myself.

Why?

Because I’m deserving of them too.

The self-hatred I carry is something I picked up along the way, but it’s not something I need to keep carrying.

The protection it once offered—keeping me small, helping me avoid standing out, shielding me from embarrassment—is no longer necessary.

Somewhere along the way I learned that being visible could be dangerous. That being “too much” might lead to shame.

But I’m learning something different now.

I no longer need to be embarrassed for being who I am.
In fact, the life I want—the one filled with connection, purpose, and joy—requires the opposite.

Pride.
Self-love.
Compassion.

Those are the things that allow me to keep moving forward—on the trail and in life.

And today, I’m choosing to carry those with me instead.

Contact

If you’d like to work on tools to improve your own confidence and self-esteem while learning how to work with old beliefs, then please feel free to contact me here.

Afraid of Starting Therapy? Begin When You’re Ready

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trees in therapy attached to article about starting therapy

As a kid, I could have really benefited from starting therapy. One unsettling night, my parents sat me on the couch nestled between them when I had an out of control moment in junior high, and they offered me this option.

I was terrified and pleaded not to go.

In the end, they didn’t make me.

Truthfully, I don’t think we had any therapists in our small town in Northwestern Pennsylvania at the time. Though I’m sure a gander through the yellow pages would have turned up a few in the surrounding area.

But it wasn’t just location and my resistance keeping therapy away. I think it was also because with therapy came stigma.

My parents were not keep up with the Jones’s kind of people. But I also think that stigma ran deeper than that. What would mental health care mean for us as a family?

I would never really know until I decided to go to therapy at age 18.

Starting Therapy

As a freshman in college, I tried out my first therapist. I had a major traumatic event and decided I needed help. I went to one session and bailed. It felt totally unhelpful.

The adult me knows how unfortunate this decision was because I continued to flounder though masked by confidence.

Later, at age 23, my supervisor in my Social Work graduate program, who doubled as a trusted mentor, saw me falling a part and suggested I see a friend of hers. So I went. And I went again. And I spent a semester looking at my life for the first time in a new way.

I unpacked traumatic experiences, my substance use, and found strength to get through one of the most difficult times in my life.

This is just the beginning of my therapeutic journey.

One I would have been wise to start long ago.

But you don’t know what you don’t know.

And you’re not ready until you’re ready.

So if you’re on the fence, check it out. Allow yourself to be curious. Know if you don’t click with the first therapist, there’s so many more out there to try. Find your fit.

And that stigma part? In some communities and families, it still exists. But my advice, don’t let it be a barrier.

This is your life, your growth and development, and your path leading to a better future for you and the next generations.

How to Handle Tough Conflict In Relationships

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How to Handle Conflict In Relationships

Conflict In Relationships

Conflict in relationships is inevitable. The challenge is that most couples often have different ways of communicating.

Some people need time to process their feelings away from others while others can quickly articulate their feelings in the very moment.

Some people need the space to figure out what is actually relevant while others know this for themselves very quickly.

Others want to talk right away while their partner is incapable of this task.

One of the tough aspects of relationships is that many of the people you care for are so different than yourself.

Knowing differences are normal is helpful. With couples in particular, The Gottman Institute says roughly 2/3 of couple’s problems are unsolvable. That’s a whopping statistic!

This information is helpful to know because no couple is in full agreement, no matter what you are assuming.

With that said, it’s only natural for conflict to arise. Whether big or small, it’s bound to happen with people you are close to.

How To Help Yourself

In the times when it feels like differences are unsolvable, one suggestion is to acknowledge this fact.

The Gottman Institute suggests what also proves helpful to couples is to not try and convert one another to coming to your side but to instead realize this is an “unsolvable problem.” With these types of problems, the task is to recognize and respect the fact that you and your other are different. Period.

So the next time you are in conflict, especially if it is an ongoing issue, check in with yourself to see if it’s unsolvable. I know it might not always be easy to distinguish this fact, but take some time to consider it.

Knowing a problem is unsolvable just might be the remedy to the difficulty ailing you.

Depression, Weight Gain, and Helpful Treatment

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Depression, weight gain, and helpful treatment go hand in hand. Because one of the symptoms of depression is changes in appetite, weight gain can happen.

However, with depression, it can be the case of the chicken or egg.  Meaning, we want to look at what came first.  Did the weight gain contribute to depression or did the depression cause weight gain?  If the weight gain is what caused someone to feel depressed, then the treatment would be to find healthy ways to lose the weight if indicated.  However, if the weight gain is as a result of a depressive episode, we are going to want to treat the depression itself. We won’t want to focus solely on the weight gain.

Symptoms of Depression Leading to Weight Gain

Unfortunately, depression makes it hard to lose weight for a variety of reasons.  One major symptom of depression is anhedonia. Anhedonia is the loss of pleasure in things we ordinarily would find joy in doing.  For many people, exercise and cooking healthy meals are activities bringing them joy.  However, when a depressive episode strikes, they may lose interest in these healthy activities.  In addition to anhedonia, loss of motivation is another symptom of depression.  It is challenging to lose weight if you aren’t motivated. 

Hopelessness is another symptom of depression. It is hard to make positive changes when feeling this way. Lastly, when people are depressed, healthy habits and ways of coping tend to go out the window and unhealthy forms take over.  Things like grabbing take out for most meals, drinking alcohol in excess, smoking marijuana leading to food cravings, binge eating, and eating high carbohydrate and sugary foods to soothe are all ways people with depression may turn to cope.

Depression, Weight Gain, and Helpful Treatment


Luckily, there are many healthy ways to manage weight while dealing with depression.  Most of these healthy ways start with awareness.  If one is aware they are snacking at 10PM, a solution might be to stop eating after dinner.  In addition, if one finds they stopped exercising, then they might engage in some movement that feels good. Taking walks out in nature or going on a hike with a friend could be helpful.  Also, if they aren’t eating anything for breakfast this behavior can cause them to binge later in the day. Eating something before 10 AM would be helpful.  Another point of awareness is if one acknowledges how much they are drinking. They might decide to cut it back to two beers instead of 4 and only on the weekends. 

Also, having an accountability partner can help.  For example, you and a friend texting each other everyday after you did some movement activity can help folks keep themselves on track.  When one starts to care for themselves in small manageable steps, these steps then build on one another eventually leading to more health, wellness, and mood improvement.

Give Yourself Some Grace


The other option when it comes to depression is to give yourself some grace.  Depression is often an episode, meaning it goes on for a period of time and doesn’t last forever.  People should be kind to themselves and let it be ok if they aren’t feeling motivated or finding joy.  It will return.  Sometimes medication can be helpful as well. Turning to medication when a depressive episode is going on too long or one cannot seem to find any motivation or will is always an option.  Talk to your doctor or psychiatrist if you are needing medication support.  

Depression, weight gain, and helpful treatment is available. Talk to your doctor or therapist around ways to get support. You can find out more information about weight gain and depression here. If you would like to talk with me about depression, please reach out to me here.

One Valuable Strategy For Emotional Regulation

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Sierra Dator walking using One Valuable Strategy For Emotional Regulation

Ready to learn one valuable strategy for emotional regulation? Do you want to learn a practical tool you can start using today? Perfect!

We all have a window of tolerance. Sometimes our ability to tolerate things is big. We can handle a lot. Sometimes our window is only cracked or feels completely closed. These are days we cannot tolerate much.

When we get out of our window, we can become hyper-aroused, meaning anxious, energetic, and moving quick without intention. Or we can become hypo-aroused, meaning slow, down, depressed, tired, or numb.

When we use the theory of the window, we can assess how much we can tolerate and move about our day accordingly. We can also use tools to help us get back into our window or make the window wider.

My tools include alone time, walking, exercising, reading, or talking with a very close friend. On the other hand, being super social, around lots of noise, or enmeshed in clutter are sure ways to kick me out of my window or not allow me to get back in.

I encourage you to use this one valuable strategy for emotional regulation to bring awareness to your own life and how you function. This theory helpful and tangible. I use it regularly and hope you do too!

The Window of Tolerance theory is developed by Dr. Dan Siegel. He is an amazing clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and the founding co-director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center at UCLA.

In closing, if you would like to schedule an appointment to learn how to emotionally regulate with more ease, then go ahead and reach out to me here.

Mental Health Matters

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quote on mental health

While mental health matters, it can be really hard to be honest with oneself when it comes to it. Facing depression, anxiety, OCD, trauma, or other mental health challenges can feel daunting, embarrassing, and even shameful. Denial, projection, substance abuse, over working, or other defense mechanisms come to the rescue, but their aid only goes so far.

While one might want to push their mental health away from them, it’s always there. It shows up in every relationship one has, from romance to friendship to parenting to work life to name a few. Mental health matters because it is a major aspect of overall wellbeing.

If you recognize you’re holding your mental health as a secret, the place to start is to be honest with yourself. To say yes, I think I might be depressed. To say yes, I’m smoking too much pot to not deal with my break up. To say yes, I’m avoiding dating because I’m anxious. To say yes, that sexual assault in my teens is still effecting me. To say yes, I’m f*ing up my kids because I’m checked out. I know it’s hard to be honest with oneself but the flip side of not is detrimental to you and those you love.

Addressing one’s mental health takes courage. The outcome can be life changing for you and those you love. You deserve to feel better, and so do all the people that love you!

Help and Resources

In conclusion, your mental health matters. In fact, it matters a lot. Please feel free to reach out to me schedule here. Fore more information about depression and anxiety, head to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. Check out the International OCD Foundation for information about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Great trauma resources include the Trauma-Informed Care Implementation Resource Center and The Trauma Foundation.

How To Get Rid Of Anxiety

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Sierra Dator in Yosemite thinking about how to get rid of anxiety

Want to know how to get rid of anxiety? Great! I’d love to be of help to you. First, let’s look at the equation for what causes anxiety:

an increased threat

+ an inability to cope

= increased anxiety

For example, what if my boss doesn’t like the proposal I submitted (increased threat)? What if she chooses someone else for the promotion (threat getting bigger) or even fires me (and even bigger)? I don’t know what I’d do (inability to cope). Now I can’t think about anything else (now your anxious).

In this situation, what we want to do is flip the script. In fact, this is how we get rid of anxiety. We want to decrease the threat and increase the ability to cope.

a decreased threat

+ ability to cope=

decreased anxiety

Here’s an example: What if my boss likes what I submitted (decreased threat). What if she chooses me for the promotion (threat still decreasing) or even has bigger plans for me (threat is decreased). Even if she doesn’t like the proposal, it’ll be ok. Maybe I’ll get some good feedback (ability to cope). I guess I’ll just see what happens. It will work out (no anxiety).

When we can change the equation of anxiety, we can improve our mood and overall mental health. As a result, we can even learn to live well with anxiety!

Get help now for anxiety

Want some help learning to flip the script of anxiety? Want to learn tips, tools, and strategies to learn to tolerate anxiety better and even eliminate it? If so, go ahead and reach out to me for support. You can send me an email here.

Also, check out other great resources on how to treat anxiety including the National Institute for Mental Health, the Mayo Clinic, or the Anxiety Disorders Association of America.

In addition, for the general feeling of worry, Wise Girl Workshops some amazing toolkits to help girls and parents.

Not Feeling Good Enough?

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Woman feeling not good enough

It is very easy to get caught up in feeling not good enough both personally and professionally.  With awareness of what is happening for us, we can make great changes with a few powerful strategies.

“Keep Your Eyes On Your Own Mat”


One of my favorite strategies for combating not feeling good enough is to practice the mindset of “keeping my eyes on my own mat.”  I discovered this strategy from my years as a yoga practitioner.  In my yoga class, I used to often take a peek at the person next me.  Sometimes I would look at my neighbor and be in appreciation for what they could do.  Other times, I’d find myself in a state of comparison, envy, and agitation for not being as flexible, fit, glamorous, or practiced as them.  In essence, not feeling adequate!  When I feel this way, I tell myself to keep my eyes on my own mat.  Because what is actually happening for me within my tiny rectangular spot is all that matters.  I have used this metaphor outside of the yoga room in both my personal and professional life.

While I find joy in what others are doing and have, I also get caught up in the humanness of not feeling enough. When I see colleagues flourishing, moms who have it all together, or whatever else the flavor of not being enough takes on, I remind myself to keep my eyes on my own mat.  This involves getting off social media, going back to my work, or literally looking down at my own feet. This practice reminds me all that matters is on my mat, not anybody else’s.  It’s a powerful mindset shift helping to reframe and improve how I feel about myself. 

Bring Yourself Outside When Not Feeling Good Enough


A second strategy I use when feelings of not being good enough creep in is getting out in nature. Nature brings me full circle back to what what I value in life. For me, a healthy, simple life with my family and limited material possessions along with an acceptance of who I am is what I need. However, I too get caught up in what the American culture is selling and what the Jones’s have next door. If I spend enough time on social media, I find myself wanting more, being critical of myself, and wondering if I am doing or have enough. Nature is the perfect remedy to inadequacy. I always feel enough when hiking in the forest or strolling the ocean’s sandy shore. 

Bring Gratefulness To the Table


Gratitude is the third strategy I use when not feeling good enough. When I remember all I have versus what I don’t, I improve my mindset almost instantly. I have so much to be grateful for. When I turn my attention to this fact, my deficits melt away. I try to remind myself of all I am, all I can do, and all I have. Gratitude is a mighty way to shift any mindset into one of feeling enough. 


In closing, normal feelings of of not feeling good enough pop up for everyone.  However, when we recognize this feeling, we can shift our mindset.  While this isn’t always easy, using these strategies is extremely helpful.

If not feeling enough is getting in the way of your life, please feel free to reach out to me to schedule an appointment. Also, if you want to literally put the yoga metaphor to the test, you can find a listing of local classes here.

How To Stop Anxious Ruminating Thoughts

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Sierra Dator coping with anxious ruminating thoughts

How do you stop ruminating anxious thoughts? This is no easy task if you are caught up in the web of anxiety. Here are my four favorite tools for coping with anxious ruminating thoughts.

1. Mindfulness. Keep bringing yourself back to the present moment. What do you hear, see, feel, taste, and touch. This can take a bit of work if you are caught in rumination but it gives you a break from the repetitive thoughts and can eventually lead you out.

2. Affirmations. Pick a helpful thought and stick to it. “It’s going to be ok.” “I have all I need.” “This feeling will pass.” Go back to this over and over and over. Let it soothe you.

3. Distraction. Find something to take your mind off the thoughts. For me, I go on a hike, read a book, and take pleasure in pets to help me enter into a mindful state where anxiety does not live. In addition, remember to use helpful and healthy distractions, not ones further increasing bad feelings about yourself.

4. Time passing. With enough time, ruminating thoughts will pass. Maybe within hours or a day. With severally anxious and pervasive thoughts, you may wonder if you’ll ever get away from the worry. Have faith. In my experience, first the thought will begin to lose intensity and then will eventually melt away. It may have some lingering moments in the day(s) to come but they will be short lived.

The Key To Stopping Anxious Ruminating Thoughts

The key to stopping anxious ruminating thoughts is to use helpful tools in lessening the intensity. Naturally, the anxiety will go away as the intensity reduces. Undoubtedly, what works for one person may not work for another, so you may have to try a few strategies and use them repeatedly. In addition, keep in mind living well with anxiety is an ongoing practice and one we can learn to do well with even when anxious ruminating thoughts strike.

If you want to talk more with me about how to stop anxious ruminating thoughts, then go ahead and email me to set up an appointment. I’d love to talk more! Also, here is another great resource for coping with ruminating anxiety.