I was honored this month to present to parents of Mary Collins at Cherry Valley School on how to support an anxious 10-14 year old kid. Once again, parents asked many great questions and stayed after to chat about the information.

With that said, I would like to pass along a few pearls of wisdom shared with this lovely community by myself and colleague Marcus Moore, MFT.

Pearl #1

I meet with many children and adults who simply want their anxiety to go away. But the reality is, we all have anxiety and to a certain degree, it is helpful in alerting us to danger and helping us to be safe. For example, if you are walking down a dark street and someone starts walking behind you, you may begin to feel anxious. This is a good form of anxiety as it keeps you on your toes and may cause you to go into a store front or call someone on your cell phone to let them know where you are.

Where anxiety falters is when you experience perceived danger but actually are not in any or the amount you are perceiving is over the top. For example, if you begin to feel highly anxious every time you walk down the street and feel everyone behind you is a threat, the danger you are perceiving may be inaccurate. Of course, there are certain factors that could play into this scenario and make the danger real.

Pearl #2

One of the first things to look at when dealing with anxiety is taking a look at whether your child actually is in danger. If a child is fearful to go to school and really is being bullied, then the anxiety the child is feeling may be warranted. Or if a teen is threatened to be hurt by someone, then the anxiety they are experiencing is warranted and appropriate action to ameliorate the danger is needed.

Another way kids can be in danger is if they are feeling suicidal and/or doing self harm.  Some kids with anxiety also experience depression and can lead to thoughts of death or self-harm behaviors.  It may be important to ask your child if they are feeling depressed and if they have ever thought about ending their own life or are hurting themselves in any way. I know this is a hard question to ask but a very important one.

Pearl #3

Many parents have anxious children and wonder when they should actually be concerned. I recommend taking note of how anxiety is impacting their daily functioning. If the anxiety is greatly effecting their home, school, and/or social life, it might be time to make some changes by talking with a professional at their school or privately and/or getting some self-help resources.  Things to look for include:

• Friendships-Making/keeping friends
• School-Refusing to go, hard to get out of bed
• Relationships- Disconnection, frequent arguments
• Activities- Withdrawal, decreased energy and performance
• Inability to do things wanting to do-Won’t/cannot do something
• Sleep- Too much, disrupted, or unable
• Eating- Too much or too little, changes in regular appetite, gaining or losing weight without intention, comfort eating
• Safety- Child becomes suicidal or starts self-harm AKA cutting
• Panic Attacks
• Somatic Complaints (i.e. stomach aches, headaches, heart palpitations)

Help is available when it comes to managing anxiety and depression.  Please check out my website for more information and resources to help support you and your child.

AFFIRMATION
I have the ability to support my child in the ups and downs of life.

I am an East Coaster. I’ve been to the very tip of Maine to both coasts of Florida and everything in between. Most recently, I traveled to my old stompin’ grounds in the Finger Lakes of New York where I got to catch a day and night of the Grassroots Music Festival in Trumansburg.

And it made sense through one song that still has my attention today. The band Driftwood out of Binghamton, NY and their song “Working Mom’s Anthem” has become a song even my children know the words to. A super hearty bluegrass band whose fiddle player was raw and on fire that night. As my body grooved next to one of my closest friends, she was like, “this is my new favorite band.”

So what is it about this song? Follow the link to see for yourself. What I want to talk about is deeper than the tune.

For me, it just highlights what it feels like to be me on some days. “I’m tired of being tired. I’m old and I’m tired. And my hands are tired. I’m tired.”  Or the catchy phrase, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”

You see, within us lives so many different sides of ourselves. They emerge depending on who we are with, what the weather is like, what we are doing, what we think about, what book we read, who posted what on Facebook. Too many variables to name. Sometimes we may like a certain look or find material possessions really important. Sometimes we may want to live simply and be known for being kind and friendly. Sometimes we don’t want to be known at all. Sometimes we want to try on a new way of being: a new trend, a new trait.  Sometimes we are too scared, in fear of being judged.

Young people are all searching for identity. “Who am I? Who do I want to be? Who don’t I want to be?” What I have come to realize within the search for self is that within us lies many sides. To pin one down would be unfortunate really. All these sides make up the beauty within and offer us the chance to be so unique from one another versus being one dimensional.

Even adults still grapple with this concept. Fear of being judged or stepping outside the comfort zone. Especially in a small town for which many of you grew up in. People get set in these identities, and they can be hard to shake.

All I know is, I don’t want to be one dimensional.  That doesn’t sound good at all.

Driftwood.  Working Mom’s Anthem.  Who I am during some moments of a day and you may be too.

Dear Absent Parent,

Let me be the voice for the child who is “too something” to tell you.  Maybe too sad, too hurt, too pessimistic, too distrusting, too out of touch with reality, too drunk, too high, too anxious, too caught up in their own drama, too scared.  If you have a child somewhere you are not involved with, then chances are real good, this is what they are experiencing….right now.  Please reconsider your place with your child.

If you are actively using drugs or alcohol or someone who cannot care for yourself let alone your child, you may be better off having no direct physical contact.  It doesn’t mean you can’t communicate with your child.  Not call with the promises filling your child up as they wonder if you will really do what you said you will.  Not the empty promises that scar kids deep down and impair their ability to trust people.  But call with an interest in them and let them know they are loved.  Point out how you see the good in who they are.

Other types of absent parents are those who live under the radar thinking the damage is done.  Or those who are in the same home but unavailable to their child.  Please take responsibility for your actions, get the help you need, and try to build a relationship with the one person who needs you most in the world.  Stop the vicious cycles that plague families and get passed down from generation to generation.

You have the opportunity to be more than you are if you only allow yourself to be.  Please take the chance.  Maybe your child can then be: too loving, too connected, too future oriented, too sober, too happy….

Hopefully Yours,

Sierra

A few weeks ago I gave a community talk titled “Sink or Swim: 5 Tips To A Successful Summer (with Your Junior High Kid).” With nearly every chair filled, an amazing thing began to happen.  Parents started to connect and learn from one another.

Topics of technology, gaming, checking your teen’s Facebook page, texting, sexting, and all sorts of other juicy topics got brought to the forefront. Parents were eager to talk about these issues, and like their teen counterparts, were relieved to know they aren’t alone in dealing with the challenges of this age group.

One parent came up to me at the end of the talk and said she was wondering what to expect from the presentation and said, “It was good. I mean REALLY good.” I would like to take all the credit for it being so good but my honest bones know it was in part from sharing the floor with my two colleagues, Marcus Moore, MFT and Uriah Guilford, MFT, and also to the parents who asked questions, expressed their confusion, and divulged what works for their family and their worries.

I felt a real sense of community as parents opened up and shared as we dialogued about what really has them stumped. This day and age is so drastically different than our time, when cell phones weren’t even in existence except for very large car phones that only super rich people had. Nobody had a computer. Nintendo was as good as it got. In order to access porn, you had to go back to the curtained side of the movie store to access it. And the only type of bullying that went on was either to your face or getting your locker TP’d. Back when we had lockers.

The beautiful part for me was watching parents share what works for them and helping one another to not feel so alone. This is exactly what happens in the Middle School Girls’ Group I run on Tuesday afternoons. The girls share and help one another to not feel so alone. What a similar process parents and their teens go through.

My cheap, valuable advice: Talk with other parents. Get a gauge on what is normal around you and know ultimately you have to decide what feels best to you. If you are feeling super yucky about something going down with your teen, follow your gut and adjust.

AFFIRMATION

I learn from the community and listen to what is right within in me to guide my child in a positive direction.