Tag Archives: Petaluma therapy

How to Handle Tough Conflict In Relationships

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How to Handle Conflict In Relationships

Conflict In Relationships

Conflict in relationships is inevitable. The challenge is that most couples often have different ways of communicating.

Some people need time to process their feelings away from others while others can quickly articulate their feelings in the very moment.

Some people need the space to figure out what is actually relevant while others know this for themselves very quickly.

Others want to talk right away while their partner is incapable of this task.

One of the tough aspects of relationships is that many of the people you care for are so different than yourself.

Knowing differences are normal is helpful. With couples in particular, The Gottman Institute says roughly 2/3 of couple’s problems are unsolvable. That’s a whopping statistic!

This information is helpful to know because no couple is in full agreement, no matter what you are assuming.

With that said, it’s only natural for conflict to arise. Whether big or small, it’s bound to happen with people you are close to.

How To Help Yourself

In the times when it feels like differences are unsolvable, one suggestion is to acknowledge this fact.

The Gottman Institute suggests what also proves helpful to couples is to not try and convert one another to coming to your side but to instead realize this is an “unsolvable problem.” With these types of problems, the task is to recognize and respect the fact that you and your other are different. Period.

So the next time you are in conflict, especially if it is an ongoing issue, check in with yourself to see if it’s unsolvable. I know it might not always be easy to distinguish this fact, but take some time to consider it.

Knowing a problem is unsolvable just might be the remedy to the difficulty ailing you.

Depression, Weight Gain, and Helpful Treatment

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Depression, weight gain, and helpful treatment go hand in hand. Because one of the symptoms of depression is changes in appetite, weight gain can happen.

However, with depression, it can be the case of the chicken or egg.  Meaning, we want to look at what came first.  Did the weight gain contribute to depression or did the depression cause weight gain?  If the weight gain is what caused someone to feel depressed, then the treatment would be to find healthy ways to lose the weight if indicated.  However, if the weight gain is as a result of a depressive episode, we are going to want to treat the depression itself. We won’t want to focus solely on the weight gain.

Symptoms of Depression Leading to Weight Gain

Unfortunately, depression makes it hard to lose weight for a variety of reasons.  One major symptom of depression is anhedonia. Anhedonia is the loss of pleasure in things we ordinarily would find joy in doing.  For many people, exercise and cooking healthy meals are activities bringing them joy.  However, when a depressive episode strikes, they may lose interest in these healthy activities.  In addition to anhedonia, loss of motivation is another symptom of depression.  It is challenging to lose weight if you aren’t motivated. 

Hopelessness is another symptom of depression. It is hard to make positive changes when feeling this way. Lastly, when people are depressed, healthy habits and ways of coping tend to go out the window and unhealthy forms take over.  Things like grabbing take out for most meals, drinking alcohol in excess, smoking marijuana leading to food cravings, binge eating, and eating high carbohydrate and sugary foods to soothe are all ways people with depression may turn to cope.

Depression, Weight Gain, and Helpful Treatment


Luckily, there are many healthy ways to manage weight while dealing with depression.  Most of these healthy ways start with awareness.  If one is aware they are snacking at 10PM, a solution might be to stop eating after dinner.  In addition, if one finds they stopped exercising, then they might engage in some movement that feels good. Taking walks out in nature or going on a hike with a friend could be helpful.  Also, if they aren’t eating anything for breakfast this behavior can cause them to binge later in the day. Eating something before 10 AM would be helpful.  Another point of awareness is if one acknowledges how much they are drinking. They might decide to cut it back to two beers instead of 4 and only on the weekends. 

Also, having an accountability partner can help.  For example, you and a friend texting each other everyday after you did some movement activity can help folks keep themselves on track.  When one starts to care for themselves in small manageable steps, these steps then build on one another eventually leading to more health, wellness, and mood improvement.

Give Yourself Some Grace


The other option when it comes to depression is to give yourself some grace.  Depression is often an episode, meaning it goes on for a period of time and doesn’t last forever.  People should be kind to themselves and let it be ok if they aren’t feeling motivated or finding joy.  It will return.  Sometimes medication can be helpful as well. Turning to medication when a depressive episode is going on too long or one cannot seem to find any motivation or will is always an option.  Talk to your doctor or psychiatrist if you are needing medication support.  

Depression, weight gain, and helpful treatment is available. Talk to your doctor or therapist around ways to get support. You can find out more information about weight gain and depression here. If you would like to talk with me about depression, please reach out to me here.

Scared Of Therapy?

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Woman not scared of therapy

Many people are scared of therapy. Let’s talk about why.

“The truest most beautiful life never promises to be an easy one. We need to let go of the lie it’s supposed to be.” ~Glennon Doyle~

Why people fear therapy


I am a therapist and human, and I like to keep things real. Glennon Doyle’s writings are nothing but. She opens up about marriage, infidelity, raising kids, alcoholism, bulimia, and finding a way to make room for her authentic self. Her life at times is a sheer mess, but she rises within it by moving towards her truth. This move takes sheer courage and bravery and can teach us all that vulnerability is the path towards living the life we desire.


Many people feel scared of therapy. Fear of judgement, shame, and what one will find on their journey of self exploration terrify people to never schedule an appointment and begin. And I totally get it. I’ve been on “the other side of the couch.” So if you aren’t ready for therapy yet, pick up Doyle’s book Untamed and start there. When you’re done reading and witnessing the transformation Doyle goes through by finding her voice and listening to that deep inner self, feel free to reach out to me.

The Reality of Life


We all have a past, make mistakes, and have the possibility to lighten our metaphorical bags by unpacking what is there. Therapy is a great place to do that. Because listen, we don’t heal in isolation. We heal in relationship to others.


Life is hard. It’s messy, confusing, terrifying, and full of lows. Simultaneously, life is easy. It’s beautiful, joyous, peaceful, and full of highs. Additionally, life is everything in between. If you can accept this fact, that life is meant to be this way, you’ll be better off. How do you do this? Well Doyle’s way is to “Be still and know.” My way is to hike. Find your own way. If you want help, let me know.

Tough Times At The Holidays

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People often feel puzzled as to why “the happiest time of year” leaves one feeling sad, depressed, overwhelmed, angry, and lonely, especially if you are someone who has a “good life.” It doesn’t seem to make sense.

I want to pose the idea that for some people trauma gets kicked up over the holiday season. Holidays are full of memories, smells, sights, tastes, and sounds. If you had a childhood that was problematic, especially around the holidays, it is quite possible you are feeling either consciously or unconsciously activated by the holidays.


In the writings of trauma specialist Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D., he reflects on how the body holds sensory memory even though our thinking memories of the past may be suppressed. For some, the smell of a pie baking in the oven evokes a warm feeling of yumminess. For others, the smell can be repulsive. Why is this? The body holds memory in all forms and even though we may not know the conscious memory of why we feel a particular way, it is stored inside of us. If there was an incident where an angry parent smashed a pie against the wall and flew into a rage, this may haven gotten wired into the brain and body. Pie might not invite warm feelings any longer. Especially if something like this happened repeatedly.

Grief and loss is another feeling stored in the body and is often triggered around holiday time, no matter how long ago the loss was.

We are products of our past. Be kind to yourself this holiday time and reach out to those who love you if you are having a tough time. Share your stories with someone you trust and take really good care of yourself. Remember, this is a season, and seasons always change.

8 Tips For Dealing With Anxious Spiraling Thoughts

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Spirals can be beautiful to see and touch.  Staircases, shells, labyrinths, art work.  But anxious mind spirals are not beautiful.  They suck our energy, scare us, and can last for a long, long, long time.

Anxious mind spirals are when our thoughts start to ramp up and bring us down.  Our thoughts keep leading from one negative thought to the next, and one might feel trapped in the anxiety and negativity.  It’s kind of like punching yourself in the face over and over again, and it feels like you can’t stop.  Brutal!

If you are catching yourself getting caught in a spiral, here a few things you can do.

1. Name it. This is an anxiety spiral.  Awareness is the first step to making changes.

2. Breathe into it.  Take some deep breaths and remind yourself this will pass.

3. Remind yourself.  You are not a mind reader or fortune teller, and all this forecasting isn’t helping you.

4. Be present.  Bring yourself into the room and out of your head. Name everything you see in great detail.

5. Empower yourself.  Am I going to sit with this all day or am I going to use my time in the way I want to? 

6. Stop feeding the spiral with your thoughts.  When you have a thought label it as a thought and not a truth.

7. If you can’t stop, change scenes and move.  Whether it be dropping to the ground to count how many push ups you can do or going outside and walking briskly around your neighborhood, you can reset your system by moving your body and moving locations.

We all have a lot to learn from one another.  Any tips you have for getting out of an anxiety spiral?

#1 Reason Your Daughter Needs A Worry Free Toolkit

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Woman with hands in lap in white sweater and dress

Is it because you have a history of anxiety in your family?  Maybe.

It is because your child’s mind runs wild when she lays down to go to sleep, and she cannot seem to shut off her brain?  Maybe.

Is it because your daughter perseverates on details like, “What if I don’t get invited, or I don’t get an A on this project?” and cannot let the thoughts go?  Maybe.

While those are all good reasons you might consider a Worry Free Toolkit Workshop for your daughter from Wise Girls Workshops, that is not the primary reason your daughter needs one.

THE #1 REASON YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS A WORRY FREE TOOLKIT

Everyone deals with worry.

You might be thinking, “What?  That’s it?”

And I am saying, “Yup, that’s it!”

You see worry can become apart of our life for a moment in a time or in a way that lingers—-for minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, or even years.

Either way, worry is a normal human emotion.  It shows up for everyone at times.  Who couldn’t benefit from learning tools to recognize the feeling for what it is, developing tools to help care for yourself, and having some time to practice those skills?

What a gift, right?!

There are some other benefits for developing a Worry Free Toolkit:

  • Your daughter will feel more in control of herself when worry takes hold and will know she can care for herself.
  • Through the Wise Girls Workshops experience, kids will see they aren’t alone in terms of worrying and see many of their peers have similar fears.  This fact provides relief!
  • She will stop asking you to reassure her about things over and over and over and over….
  • Your daughter can recognize it in others and provide helpful support.
  • She will learn how feelings constantly change and while worry might feel big in the moment, we never get stuck in one feeling forever.

This Worry Free Toolkit business is good stuff, right?  Developing tools to cope with worry isn’t just for those who have a serious problem with anxiety.  We all need tools.  We all deal with it.  Everyone can benefit.

Thanksgiving

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Holidays mean something different for me as each year passes.  In the wake of the recent fires, I am filled with a whole host of thanks for all those who have and continue to put in the effort to support people who have lost and are impacted.  I am also saddened and hopeful for those of you who have been directly impacted, and I am holding you close in my heart.

The fires have not only kicked up gratitude but also trauma, as it continues to be a theme I am seeing around me.  With the holidays just around the corner, many people having lost their homes, sexual harassment in the media, the state of our country and world, and our own pasts, people are feeling deeply everywhere.

Holidays and being with family can bring forth a of mix feelings.  Being without family can do the same.  There is so much to feel.

It is important to remember this time of holidays and feelings is a season.  While they may feel extremely big and overwhelming, I encourage you to remember this is a moment in time.  Feelings change just as the trees do.  Nature holds such a powerful metaphor for our lives.

Just as the natural world cares for itself, we must care for ourselves too.  As the mushrooms pop up around us acting as a purifier for the air, we can care for ourselves by breathing deeply and paying attention to our inner world.  Asking ourselves if our choices are helpful or unhelpful.  Giving oneself permission to leave after dessert or go for walk.  Declining the party or forgoing the alcohol.  It is vital for us to practice self care.  What would our world look like if nature didn’t care for itself?  Please remember being thankful doesn’t mean we allow other people’s wants, needs, and expectations to compromise our own.

I am wishing you all a caring and reflective Thanksgiving.

Moving Forward in the Aftermath of Disaster

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In the aftermath of the Northern California fires, nervous systems have been revved up and are now crashing down.  The fear and unknown has led many adults and children to live in a hypervigilant state.  Now that the fires are contained and threats to homes and lives are at bay, it is time get back to living.  This may be hard to do given the state of the community if you are in a fire struck area, lost your home or loved one, if you have been volunteering, and/or living in a constant state of fear.

While many people are resilient and will bounce back easily into their own lives, some people will not for a variety of reasons.  Whether impacted directly or indirectly, a natural disaster can have a traumatic impact on lives.  It is important to care for yourself, and as parents, it is vitally important to care for yourself so you can better care for your own children.  So what does caring for yourself mean?  This means getting back into your own routine, getting a lot of sleep and rest, nourishing your body with healthy foods, exercising, and engaging in other activities that bring you relaxation and pleasure.

It may take some individuals days, weeks, months, or even longer to recover from this experience.  I would encourage you to notice your own feelings and move with gentleness if not feeling quite as resilient as some of those around you.  Each day is a new day with new feelings and thoughts emerging.  Moving through a traumatic experience can take time so please be patient with yourself and those around you.

New trauma can trigger old trauma and sometimes cause a regression.  This can be a regression in behaviors or memories and can take many forms including an increase in separation anxiety, reverting to younger behaviors, and thinking about past traumatic events when one thought they had moved past them.  Again, please be patient with yourself as you move through your own process, care for yourself in healthy ways, and get some further support from loved ones or professionals.

Some people who did not experience the fires directly or whose home and family came out ok may feel guilt for having not lost their home or loved ones even though they are thankful they did not.  This is known as survivor’s guilt and is a common feeling for people to experience.  I encourage you to not disregard and down play your own feelings.  Last week evoked a lot of emotions.  We are all different and will process this experience differently.  There is no right or wrong way to move through these feelings.  

If you are feeling stuck, having difficulty sleeping, overeating or under eating, feeling lethargic, do not have any interest in things you used to, having nightmares, and/or you don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel, I highly encourage you to talk with a professional for further support if it is feeling overwhelming and you feel unable to move through it one your own.  Talking with a professional can have many benefits including giving you the space to explore and process your experience, gaining support, having space to not feel like you are overwhelming people around you by talking about your feelings, and helping you find your way back to wellness.  

Like adults, most children will remain resilient and bounce back easily while others can be deeply impacted by the disaster whether it has touched them directly or not.  Younger children do not have the sense of time and when seeing images or hearing people talk around them, they may be unable to differentiate if the disaster was from last week or from this very moment; this can be frightening.  If you are noticing any changes to their behaviors, including regressive behaviors, they are letting you know they need more attention right now.  It is extremely important to continue to check in with your child about their feelings as they head back to school and hear about the events from their peers.  If you are feeling overwhelmed as a parent, please reach out for support.

I am wishing everyone good health and loving kindness for oneself and each other as our communities recover.

Here are some local community resources for professional help:

Hospice of Sonoma County

Petaluma People’s Services

Social Advocates for Youth

Petaluma Health Center

Seeds of Awareness

Psychology Today has a list of therapists in private practice

I Wish I Had Known

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Auditorium of empty seatsDo you remember your 5th-8th grade self?  If you are like me, you may remember a variety of selves that showed up.  Transitioning from a kid to a teen in the matter of 4 short years.  From changing bodies to older topics of conversations to getting in and out of braces.  Then there is the labeling yourself, judging others, trying to find your place, changing relationships with your family members and friends, and seeing yourself in a whole new way.  And then there is the more modern day changes from no phone to phone and from texting to use of social media platforms.

I believe these years are extremely critical to our development and are a window of opportunity.  Kids and teens can still hear us. I see it all the time in my work; kids who are spouting out their family values, words, and beliefs.  Towards the junior high time though, many parents feel like their kids stop listening to them.  This time is when it can be helpful to have your child hear positive messages from other people.

Deep down inside of me is a teacher with wisdom to share with younger people.  While I don’t have all the answers, I believe I do have a knowing based on my own experiences, the experiences of others, and my training to help guide, share, and inspire.

There are a lot of things I wish I would’ve known and why I feel so compelled to run Wise Girl Workshops.  Here are a few:

    1. That feeling you get when you start eating a lot of food when you aren’t even hungry or you find yourself drinking faster, that’s anxiety.  There are healthy things you can do when you recognize that feeling to take care of yourself and watch it pass.
    1. You can be the person you want to be and you will also have challenges within yourself.  That’s ok.  You don’t have to be perfect.
    1. You are enough and can love yourself as is AND you can also work to better yourself all at the same time. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.
    1. You can make good decisions for yourself and seek guidance from the loving adults around you.  It is ok, and people approve of you asking for help.
    1. We all want attention.  You don’t have to seek it out in unhealthy ways and succumb to pressure from others in order to be seen.
    1. We are all just trying to find our place. It’s ok to feel sad, worried, scared, and lonely.  It’s ok to talk to someone who cares about you when you feel this way.  You aren’t weak.  You are human.  And you don’t have to happy all the time.
    1. You can dream big and make things happen.
    1. You don’t have to sit quietly when comments, gestures, or requests are made that make you uncomfortable.  Stand up for yourself.  Set limits with others.
    1. Allow yourself and others to try on different ways of being without judgement.  We are all going through it.  No one way is right.
    1. Give yourself permission to embrace your strengths.  From academic success to athleticism, to being funny and caring.  It all counts!
  1. No one ever starts out using substances and intends to be addicted.  It can happen to anyone.

What do you wish you would’ve known?

Don’t Let Anxiety Boss You Around

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If you or your family member suffers from anxiety, chances are you are being bossed around by it. Anxiety might say things like:

“Don’t do that!”
“You can’t do that!”
“Don’t go!”
“Call me when you leave!”
“Text me when you get there!”
“Don’t leave before I tell you to!”
“This is going to be bad!”

Now notice there is an exclamation point after each of these statements. This is because if it were said in a calm, cool manner, it wouldn’t be anxiety. Anxiety has an urgent fretful tone to it, warranting the exclamation. If you hear this more urgent tone coming from yourself or your loved one, odds are good, it is anxiety trying to push you around.   Even if you aren’t the one suffering directly, anxiety has been known to be contagious and make others around them feel it too.  ​The whole system gets impacted.

Who likes to be bossed around? (The crowd goes silent.)

So what does one do when anxiety is bossing them around?

1. Once you recognize anxiety is there and possibly bossing you, take a deep breath, maybe even a few to make room in your brain to think rationally about what is happening and what you will do next.

2. Decide if the anxiety is warranted. Ask yourself questions like, “Am I really in danger?” “What will actually happen if I don’t text my kid every 5 minutes from the grocery store as he demanded?”

3. If you are in danger, worry away and get yourself to a safe spot.

4. If are not in any real danger, which most likely is the case, begin to use your logic to talk yourself off the ledge. “Who is talking here? Me or anxiety?” “What is actually going to happen if….?”

5. Soothe yourself by talking calmly to yourself. “I am going to be ok.” “She’ll be back in 30 minutes.”

6. Do something to give your mind a break from the anxiety after you have gone through these steps. We don’t want to avoid our feelings but we do want to give ourselves a bit of space if we are feeling flooded by them, and we do want to move on after we have gone through the steps. No need to stay stuck.

7. Have a party! Recognizing when anxiety is bossing you around and choosing to do something different other than let it take control of you is definitely worth celebrating!

AFFIRMATION

I handle anxiety with ease.