Tag Archives: parenting help

How to Handle Tough Conflict In Relationships

Posted on by
How to Handle Conflict In Relationships

Conflict In Relationships

Conflict in relationships is inevitable. The challenge is that most couples often have different ways of communicating.

Some people need time to process their feelings away from others while others can quickly articulate their feelings in the very moment.

Some people need the space to figure out what is actually relevant while others know this for themselves very quickly.

Others want to talk right away while their partner is incapable of this task.

One of the tough aspects of relationships is that many of the people you care for are so different than yourself.

Knowing differences are normal is helpful. With couples in particular, The Gottman Institute says roughly 2/3 of couple’s problems are unsolvable. That’s a whopping statistic!

This information is helpful to know because no couple is in full agreement, no matter what you are assuming.

With that said, it’s only natural for conflict to arise. Whether big or small, it’s bound to happen with people you are close to.

How To Help Yourself

In the times when it feels like differences are unsolvable, one suggestion is to acknowledge this fact.

The Gottman Institute suggests what also proves helpful to couples is to not try and convert one another to coming to your side but to instead realize this is an “unsolvable problem.” With these types of problems, the task is to recognize and respect the fact that you and your other are different. Period.

So the next time you are in conflict, especially if it is an ongoing issue, check in with yourself to see if it’s unsolvable. I know it might not always be easy to distinguish this fact, but take some time to consider it.

Knowing a problem is unsolvable just might be the remedy to the difficulty ailing you.

Covid Anxiety: Getting Back To Life

Posted on by
Sierra Dator with dog working through covid anxiety

Feeling some covid anxiety about getting back to life?

It’s common to feel some degree of anxiety when it comes to reentering post vaccine life. After all, you’ve been living in quarantine for the past year doing your best to stay away from others and those nasty germs. For those who already have a disposition to anxiety, the fear can be heightened.


One idea is to take it slow. You don’t have to go all out in attending every social function and dinner offered to you. When it comes to working with most anxieties, exposure therapy is recommended. This therapy entails exposing yourself to what you fear in manageable steps. You might first start out with a small, outdoor gathering and stay for 30 minutes. The next week you might do another small gathering but staying for 1 hour. Eventually building up to whatever your end goal is. Exposure therapy helps us build tolerance to what we fear.

Using Nature To Ease COVID Anxiety

If you’ve really been isolated, using outdoor spaces is a great reentry point. The fresh air and literal space can be a nice place to begin exposing yourself and working through your fears. There are many local, state, and national parks to roam. In fact, starting local and moving to bigger parks could actually be a great step in exposure as bigger parks often have more people. Or even going super early in the morning could be a great first step as midday and evening foot traffic in hiking spots can increase.

Not sure where to go? Here is a link to both Sonoma County Regional Parks and California National Parks. There is so much beauty where we live. Being in calming environments can be great when it comes to anxiety, helping us to tap into our parasympathetic nervous system.

Stay tuned for more ideas on healthy ways to cope and even live well with covid anxiety and stress!

If you would like some help on how to work through covid anxiety or are curious about using exposure therapy, please feel free to contact me for support and answers.

Social Anxiety: How To Work Through It

Posted on by
Anxious and shy female with social anxiety with blank background. Statement above her saying f you are socially anxious, one big way to help yourself is to take reasonable risks.

When it comes to social anxiety, take note. We are talking reasonable. Reasonable means not throwing yourself to the wolves and trying to FaceTime your most gorgeous coworker that you never talk to. At least not yet.


When it comes to social anxiety, you want to start in incremental steps. You might begin by FaceTiming a friend, if this method of communication makes you socially uncomfortable. Then you might start saying hi to people you pass by, with the knowledge people might not say hi back. Next you could practice having organic conversations with store clerks. Moving on to joining group friend zooms and making an intentional effort to speak up. Then joining a networking meeting. On and on. You get to set the steps, working up to your final goal. Just make sure those are reasonable steps to take. And yes, you will and SHOULD feel uncomfortable. That’s how you are going to grow!


I’m talking about building tolerance to feeling uncomfortable and watching social anxiety melt away. Right down to a puddle on the ground with you smiling big because you feel connected to people and more confident in your abilities.


So often what we fear is much worse than what actually happens.


They key is you’ve got to get comfortable with being uncomfortable then you can start to feel comfortable. Makes sense? Good! You’ve got this!

Want to read more about anxiety help? Click here other articles written by me.

Want to talk with me about getting help for social anxiety? Contact me!

Interested in knowing more about anxiety disorders? Check out the National Institute on Mental Health.

Motivation For Girls During The School Year

Posted on by
Teen girls studying by water

What used to fuel your girl to keep going during the school year might not be existing any longer. Maybe it was seeing her friends, having others view her as smart, sporting an outfit she loves, having a positive relationship with her teacher, enjoying a class, or her extracurricular activities that were keeping her moving and motivated to do well.


We are all motivated by intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation is what comes naturally from inside of us. The drive to do well and succeed. Extrinsic motivation comes from outside of us. It comes in the form of praise, being recognized by others, and earning something like the first chair in band class or being a starting player on her soccer team. Oftentimes they coexist.


The problem girls face today is they aren’t getting much of the extrinsic motivation the school environment used to provide. Keeping your camera off on zoom, only seeing one another from the torso up, and no longer having any organic conversation inside or outside of the classroom is taking a toll on kids staying motivated. Girls aren’t having the extracurriculars that for some girls made school worth it.

So what can we do about this dilemma?


We can teach our girls about intrinsic and extrinsic motivation and help our girls create their own forms of motivation. I would encourage you to ask her questions about what she feels she is missing and invite her to share her experience. Meet her with empathy. With that said, see if there are any organic openings to create motivation. You might have to teach her about this idea. The catch is, it’s going to look different than before. Making a mug of hot chocolate after her grueling Trigonometry class. Watching a movie with friends, even virtually, after getting her paper done. Heading to Michael’s to get some art supplies to celebrate getting a B or higher on her psychology assignment.

Now I know many parents feel disturbed at the idea of buying their kids rewards. For the record, do not promise big screen tvs, the latest iphone, or exotic trips. Teach them about earning within reason. When we first get a job, we don’t get thousands of dollars. Here in CA, you will earn just over $15 for one hour of work. Use monetary rewards reasonably. Yes I will buy you a $15 app if you have no missing assignments at the end of the week. No, I will not buy you a game system for getting an A on your test.


Above all, we want our girls to experience intrinsic motivation. We want them to have drive. But the reality is we are motivated extrinsically, and that’s ok. I hope you go to work because you love your job, but I bet you are motivated in part by your paycheck. These two motivations are not always mutually exclusive.


In closing, I wish you and your family the best in this new wave of the parenting journey!

Credits


Article inspired by Lisa Damour’s recent post on “How to Do School When Motivation Has Gone Missing” in the NY Times


Photo Credit by @bethlaird on Unsplash

Anxiety During Covid And Uncertain Times

Posted on by

In uncertain times, anxiety is bound to flare for many people. However, if we have tools to best support ourselves, anxiety can be kept at bay. Watch this video on how to move through COVID anxiety through taking precautions and learning how to tolerate the rest.

Want to talk with me about anxiety? You can contact me here.

You can find more articles on anxiety here written by me. Also head to the Mayo Clinic to learn more about different anxiety disorders.

Help For Parents Of Teens

Posted on by
Watercolor paper with quote about parenting a teen and what to do when feeling challenged

As a teen parent, we can get wrapped up in our teen’s words and find ourselves angry, hurt, yelling, and vengeful. But remember, so much of what others say isn’t about us, including our own family members. Maybe your teen is feeling left out, bored, or angry at the state of the world. Nothing you have control over. I mean, what parent wouldn’t wedge us out of this pandemic to offer their teen a summer of a lifetime if they could?

So keep quiet and breathe. Not obnoxious breathing but calming breaths. Listen to your teen, holding onto the notion this isn’t about you. And if they invite you to speak, use reflective listening. Meaning reflect back what you heard them say. You could start with something like, “Let me see if I’ve heard you right?” Or end with, “ Am I hearing you correctly?” And watch that tone parents. Don’t go picking a fight.

Lastly, if there is a point needing to be made, wait until later and go back to it. “Remember when we were taking about X earlier?…..”. Timing is important.

Yes parenting is an art in need of constant refinement. We don’t need to get it perfect. We just need to try our best. Sometimes our best is absolutely beautiful, and sometimes it’s not. That’s ok. Take a breath. Try again.

Parents, Ready To Make Some Changes?

Posted on by

Silhouette of family of 4 in sunset

One of my favorite parts of being a therapist is helping parents become better parents. I love talking about the challenges and finding solutions to what can seem like insurmountable problems.

Parents can feel afraid of therapy. What will Sierra think if I tell her what my child is doing? Will she judge me? Will she think I am crazy?

Let me just put it out there. I won’t judge you. I will think you are a parent who is trying to do your best. And no, I won’t think you are crazy.

Especially because we all come from some place, and that some place modeled for us how to be an adult and parent. Hopefully some of that modeling was stellar. However, because we are human, some of the modeling we received might not have been the healthiest and unfortunately this can impact how we parent. This way of modeling may have been passed down for generations.

Maybe you come from a family where no one ever talked about their feelings, or the only way one ever got heard was to get angry. Maybe your parents weren’t emotionally available for you, or they were super permissive leading you to be a wild child.

Whatever the way of parenting that got passed down, I believe we owe it to our children to do our best to do it better.

This is where I come in. A parent can have great success in shifting their child or teen’s behaviors by doing their own work in therapy. Yes that’s right. One way I help families work with their child is through working on themselves.

If you aren’t sure who could benefit in coming to therapy, then let’s talk. If you are ready to start your journey to becoming a better parent, email me here, and let’s get started!

Parenting Tips For the Road Trip

Posted on by

Upon completing a fairly unplanned 2 1/2 week road trip with my 2 elementary school age kids, I am a mom and therapist with some sound advice about traveling with kids. Don’t do it!

Only kidding! This road trip had ups and downs and all the emotions in between. I would highly recommend traveling with your kids, and I wanted to pass along some lessons learned.

1. Be a mind reader and have within your reach all the “needs” your kids are going to have. Snacks, travel blanket, snacks, water, pillow, snacks, Kleenex’s, books, audiobooks, coloring supplies, movies, games, paper towels, snacks, charger, car sick medicine, and did I mention snacks?

2. Keep in tune with their need for food. If it’s been a few hours or you can see their tank running low then certainly make the effort to fuel. With my one child I can see a distinct mood change when she gets some chow from grumpy kid to funny, playful kid. Parents eat too. A hangry Mom or Dad is no fun either.

3. Pace yourselves. I know you may have plans, a schedule, ideas, and want to do it all, but a kid who is pushed to the max is no bueno. If you’ve been rafting all day and then want to stop at the brewery for a relaxing pint and meal you may be setting yourself up for disaster. Because what you actually may get is a melted down child and an angry parent combination. There couldn’t be a worse way to end your awesome day.

4. Limit the electronics. I hear so many parents talk about how their kids energy takes a turn for the worse when posted up in front of tv, phone, or video game systems. If you find your child cannot handle even having the device without a swirl of whining when they take a break, don’t bring it along.

5. Make room for the emotions and practice self care. I had a great time with my family, however, there were moments when I wanted to release their rafts into the wilderness while I floated in the peace of the river or allow them to go live with the lovely lady at the pottery painting studio. At times I felt burnt, sad, anxious, and overwhelmed. My whole family also felt this way at times. They weren’t going to be perfect and neither was I. So I needed to make room for all the feelings and also take care of myself by taking some time to read, exercise, and pray.

6. Practice mindfulness. Yes it is the buzzword of the times and that is because their is something to it. Pulling yourself into the exact moment of what was happening was helpful to me in so many ways. Feeling the mountain air make contact with my belly through a deep breath was medicine for many of the moods I encountered.

The advice could go on, however, as I tell all parents I work with, you know your kid best. You know their wants and needs and limits. There will be a time when they can do it all and when that time comes, it’ll be awesome. Until then….

I Wish I Had Known

Posted on by

Auditorium of empty seatsDo you remember your 5th-8th grade self?  If you are like me, you may remember a variety of selves that showed up.  Transitioning from a kid to a teen in the matter of 4 short years.  From changing bodies to older topics of conversations to getting in and out of braces.  Then there is the labeling yourself, judging others, trying to find your place, changing relationships with your family members and friends, and seeing yourself in a whole new way.  And then there is the more modern day changes from no phone to phone and from texting to use of social media platforms.

I believe these years are extremely critical to our development and are a window of opportunity.  Kids and teens can still hear us. I see it all the time in my work; kids who are spouting out their family values, words, and beliefs.  Towards the junior high time though, many parents feel like their kids stop listening to them.  This time is when it can be helpful to have your child hear positive messages from other people.

Deep down inside of me is a teacher with wisdom to share with younger people.  While I don’t have all the answers, I believe I do have a knowing based on my own experiences, the experiences of others, and my training to help guide, share, and inspire.

There are a lot of things I wish I would’ve known and why I feel so compelled to run Wise Girl Workshops.  Here are a few:

    1. That feeling you get when you start eating a lot of food when you aren’t even hungry or you find yourself drinking faster, that’s anxiety.  There are healthy things you can do when you recognize that feeling to take care of yourself and watch it pass.
    1. You can be the person you want to be and you will also have challenges within yourself.  That’s ok.  You don’t have to be perfect.
    1. You are enough and can love yourself as is AND you can also work to better yourself all at the same time. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.
    1. You can make good decisions for yourself and seek guidance from the loving adults around you.  It is ok, and people approve of you asking for help.
    1. We all want attention.  You don’t have to seek it out in unhealthy ways and succumb to pressure from others in order to be seen.
    1. We are all just trying to find our place. It’s ok to feel sad, worried, scared, and lonely.  It’s ok to talk to someone who cares about you when you feel this way.  You aren’t weak.  You are human.  And you don’t have to happy all the time.
    1. You can dream big and make things happen.
    1. You don’t have to sit quietly when comments, gestures, or requests are made that make you uncomfortable.  Stand up for yourself.  Set limits with others.
    1. Allow yourself and others to try on different ways of being without judgement.  We are all going through it.  No one way is right.
    1. Give yourself permission to embrace your strengths.  From academic success to athleticism, to being funny and caring.  It all counts!
  1. No one ever starts out using substances and intends to be addicted.  It can happen to anyone.

What do you wish you would’ve known?

Don’t Let Anxiety Boss You Around

Posted on by

If you or your family member suffers from anxiety, chances are you are being bossed around by it. Anxiety might say things like:

“Don’t do that!”
“You can’t do that!”
“Don’t go!”
“Call me when you leave!”
“Text me when you get there!”
“Don’t leave before I tell you to!”
“This is going to be bad!”

Now notice there is an exclamation point after each of these statements. This is because if it were said in a calm, cool manner, it wouldn’t be anxiety. Anxiety has an urgent fretful tone to it, warranting the exclamation. If you hear this more urgent tone coming from yourself or your loved one, odds are good, it is anxiety trying to push you around.   Even if you aren’t the one suffering directly, anxiety has been known to be contagious and make others around them feel it too.  ​The whole system gets impacted.

Who likes to be bossed around? (The crowd goes silent.)

So what does one do when anxiety is bossing them around?

1. Once you recognize anxiety is there and possibly bossing you, take a deep breath, maybe even a few to make room in your brain to think rationally about what is happening and what you will do next.

2. Decide if the anxiety is warranted. Ask yourself questions like, “Am I really in danger?” “What will actually happen if I don’t text my kid every 5 minutes from the grocery store as he demanded?”

3. If you are in danger, worry away and get yourself to a safe spot.

4. If are not in any real danger, which most likely is the case, begin to use your logic to talk yourself off the ledge. “Who is talking here? Me or anxiety?” “What is actually going to happen if….?”

5. Soothe yourself by talking calmly to yourself. “I am going to be ok.” “She’ll be back in 30 minutes.”

6. Do something to give your mind a break from the anxiety after you have gone through these steps. We don’t want to avoid our feelings but we do want to give ourselves a bit of space if we are feeling flooded by them, and we do want to move on after we have gone through the steps. No need to stay stuck.

7. Have a party! Recognizing when anxiety is bossing you around and choosing to do something different other than let it take control of you is definitely worth celebrating!

AFFIRMATION

I handle anxiety with ease.