Tag Archives: depressed counseling petaluma

Dear Absent Parent

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Dear Absent Parent,

Let me be the voice for the child who is “too something” to tell you.  Maybe too sad, too hurt, too pessimistic, too distrusting, too out of touch with reality, too drunk, too high, too anxious, too caught up in their own drama, too scared.  If you have a child somewhere you are not involved with, then chances are real good, this is what they are experiencing….right now.  Please reconsider your place with your child.

If you are actively using drugs or alcohol or someone who cannot care for yourself let alone your child, you may be better off having no direct physical contact.  It doesn’t mean you can’t communicate with your child.  Not call with the promises filling your child up as they wonder if you will really do what you said you will.  Not the empty promises that scar kids deep down and impair their ability to trust people.  But call with an interest in them and let them know they are loved.  Point out how you see the good in who they are.

Other types of absent parents are those who live under the radar thinking the damage is done.  Or those who are in the same home but unavailable to their child.  Please take responsibility for your actions, get the help you need, and try to build a relationship with the one person who needs you most in the world.  Stop the vicious cycles that plague families and get passed down from generation to generation.

You have the opportunity to be more than you are if you only allow yourself to be.  Please take the chance.  Maybe your child can then be: too loving, too connected, too future oriented, too sober, too happy….

Hopefully Yours,

Sierra

Valuable Advice For Parents

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IMG_1724A few weeks ago I gave a community talk titled “Sink or Swim: 5 Tips To A Successful Summer (with Your Junior High Kid).” With nearly every chair filled, an amazing thing began to happen.  Parents started to connect and learn from one another.

Topics of technology, gaming, checking your teen’s Facebook page, texting, sexting, and all sorts of other juicy topics got brought to the forefront. Parents were eager to talk about these issues, and like their teen counterparts, were relieved to know they aren’t alone in dealing with the challenges of this age group.

One parent came up to me at the end of the talk and said she was wondering what to expect from the presentation and said, “It was good. I mean REALLY good.” I would like to take all the credit for it being so good but my honest bones know it was in part from sharing the floor with my two colleagues, Marcus Moore, MFT and Uriah Guilford, MFT, and also to the parents who asked questions, expressed their confusion, and divulged what works for their family and their worries.

I felt a real sense of community as parents opened up and shared as we dialogued about what really has them stumped. This day and age is so drastically different than our time, when cell phones weren’t even in existence except for very large car phones that only super rich people had. Nobody had a computer. Nintendo was as good as it got. In order to access porn, you had to go back to the curtained side of the movie store to access it. And the only type of bullying that went on was either to your face or getting your locker TP’d. Back when we had lockers.

The beautiful part for me was watching parents share what works for them and helping one another to not feel so alone. This is exactly what happens in the Middle School Girls’ Group I run on Tuesday afternoons. The girls share and help one another to not feel so alone. What a similar process parents and their teens go through.

My cheap, valuable advice: Talk with other parents. Get a gauge on what is normal around you and know ultimately you have to decide what feels best to you. If you are feeling super yucky about something going down with your teen, follow your gut and adjust.

AFFIRMATION

I learn from the community and listen to what is right within in me to guide my child in a positive direction.

Teen Rut

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back of teen boy walking down street backpack hand on headTeens get in the rut of the same patterns different day. They may say they want to change but you don’t see the effort being made. In fact, in your adult body, when you say you are going to do something, you do it. But it may have taken you years to get where you are and lots of trial and error.

So let’s give teens some credit that change is possible. Rather than a dose of “I told you so” or “You can’t do it,” offer a bit of hope. Acknowledgement of the feeling that it may be difficult and a confidence boost saying you know they are a capable kid.

Let’s take this last 6 weeks of school for example. Your child may have an intention of getting in their late work. Rather than showing the negativity you feel about not getting in their work, show some encouragement and offer some support. Because what is done is done. I would encourage you to process the semester with them but probably at a later time then when they are not coming up with a plan to crank out what they need to do. This can be discouraging and lead to hopelessness.

Am I condoning getting work in late? No. But I am an optimist and realist, and it is inevitable some children will just not be on top of things all school year.

What if you had to get something turned in late at your work. Something that slipped your mind or didn’t make it on the agenda. Would you want your boss telling you they knew you wouldn’t get it done and you will never be able to turn it in. Probably not. How about you boss asking you to do your best to get it done, if you need some assistance in planning how to tackle things or understanding the concepts, and empowering you with the idea that you can succeed?  Now that sounds nice.

So I know it is hard when kids aren’t doing what they were supposed to be doing or not doing as well as they should. These are all life lessons we can help them with to grow into successful adults who are going to run our country, businesses, and have families. Take a deep breath, smile, and know that even though it isn’t perfect, your hope in your child can make a difference.

And lastly, please join myself and a few colleagues as we offer a FREE Parent Education Event Sink or Swim: 5 Tips for a Successful Summer.  This will be held May 15 from 6-7PM at the Burdell Building, 405 East D Street #105, Petaluma.  There will be plenty of time for quesitons and answers about how to help your junior high child. Visit www.sinkorswimsummer.com for more infomation and to RSVP.

AFFIRMATION

I empower my child to be successful with words of encouragement and actions of support.

Keep Your Eyes On Your Own Mat

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As I lunge forward into downward dog, I scan the crowd behind me to see who actually has their heels down. And then I think, “Sierra, get your eyes on your own mat.” I retract Woman sitting cross legged with back to camera on wooden deckthem back to my pose and take a deep breath in. I think about how I am doing alright, and it doesn’t matter what everyone has going on.

I always thought this a metaphor for my life in general. “Sierra, keep your eyes on your own mat.” Don’t compare yourself to other athletes, other professionals, other parents, other women. Just look at you.

But my eyes do drift. I may not want to be the best at whatever role I am in, but I at least want to know I can hang. “What does that even matter?” I wonder.

I have been a novice swimmer since I hit the pool on my middle school swim team in 5th grade. Yep, where I grew up, 5th grade was in middle school.  Needless to say, I wasn’t very good. I tried and eventually retired the Speedo but have picked it up throughout my life, certainly a different size, and have used swim as recreational exercise.

Now when I am in the pool, I know I can’t hang with the pros. Sometimes I catch a glimpse so I can better understand how to swim or watch how gracefully others move through the water. I never feel competitive, just humbled. I trudge along.

Does it pay to look at what others are doing? Maybe.  From looking at others, there are some benefits. I can gain a better sense of how I might like to do things. I can see I might be doing just fine or even better than some. I can also look at how I might like to change or challenge myself.

I think there is a distinction to be made of when it is OK to look around, and it lies in our motive. Am I looking around to better myself or to put others or myself down? Am I looking around so I can judge or so I can challenge myself? Maybe push myself to do things I didn’t think were possible. Not with animosity or negativity but with genuine heart. This distinction can be hard to determine as there can be many layers as to why we do what we do.

All I know is it feels better, whether I am on the yoga mat or in the pool, and I am truley focused on me.  When I am not competing with anyone but myself to be just who I need to be for that day.  The strong athlete or the soft woman or maybe even a bit of both.

Maybe its time for you to keep your eyes on your own mat.  Be an observer of yourself.  What does it feel like when you focus on you and not what everyone else is doing?  What happens when you don’t compete or compare?

Remember, being you just as you are is good enough.  Namaste.

Fester

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7874770862_1d83a7bbde_qWhen I was in my late 20s, I got mad. Real mad. It was hard to even find the words to put it all together. It didn’t make sense that after over 10 years of being out of my parents’ house, I was truly angry about all the things they didn’t do. The limits they didn’t set. The times they turned the other cheek. “Hello?  Is anybody listening? Did anybody see?”

I was scared to confront my parents. I wasn’t sure what it would do to our relationship. I wasn’t sure I would be able to handle what came back at me. Sadness? Anger? Pointing the finger back at me? I sat on it for a long time, and it festered.

Festering is not pretty. Imagine what festering can do to your insides. To your mind. When something festers and is not taken care of, it only gets bigger, uglier, and deeper. Soon it leaks into all parts of your world: relationships, work, school, friendships. It can lead to a deep sadness about oneself and the world. It can create anxiety, severe depression, abuse of yourself and others, and even lead to suicide.  Not pretty at all.

This story addresses a really poignant part of my life and for anyone who has an awakening about the things that weren’t ok stemming from childhood or teenage years. It is poignant because once we have an awareness about something, life can never be the same. We can try to hide but our minds and bodies know our truth and cannot turn back.

How difficult it is to listen to our truth and allow ourselves to be aware and awakened. Contrary, how beautiful it is to listen to our truth and be aware and awakened. When we listen to what is true and allow the awareness in, our whole being opens up, and we become free.

On a calm winter night in North Carolina, I finally got the courage to release my anger and heal the festering pain I held inside. I am free.

AFFIRMATION
I allow truth to set me free.

School Success for Teens

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Maybe the first semester wasn’t the best for your child this school year.  Lots of things can get in the way of doing well in school.  Just like adults who may have difficulties with a co-worker, a rough workload, or depression and anxiety, teens also can be suffering from similar ailments.  The difference is, adults have the life experience to know it will pass.  Teens don’t have the same insight.If you have a child that had previously done well in school and their grades have fallen, there are things you can do to help them.

woman dabbing in red graduation gown holding diploma

1. Talk with them with a listening ear.  Leave your judgements at the door.  Allow your child the time to be heard.  Validate their feelings and struggles.  “That must be hard.”  “I hear how overwhelmed you feel.”

2. Problem solve.  Give them the opportunity to come  up with their own ideas on how to pull up their grades, deal with their peers, or manage their emotions at school.  Ask if they want some feedback or ideas.

3. Help them to set 1 or 2 realistic goals.  You want the plan to work and to build a feeling of accomplishment in your child.  If you tell your teen they need to get straight A’s in all their classes when they got Cs and Ds before, this can feel unmanageable to your teen.  Failure is likely to ensue.

4. Create objectives.  Write out or discuss how they are going to reach these goals.  A daily schedule, reminders in their phone, setting up a calendar.  Help them to get organized so their is room for success.

5. Let them take the lead.  Since you have been a parent for a long time, you may know just what they need to do.  Your child may even arrive at an idea that you have been telling them for ages.  But please don’t steal their thunder.  Teens are a hundred times more willing if they think it is their idea, not yours.  

6. Use rewards to keep kids motivated.  We get paid to go to work and ideally love what we do.  We have motivations.  Kids needs motivators too.  If you are really trying to change a behavior or pattern, daily rewards prove useful.  Computer time, phone time, family time (maybe?!), earning points towards getting something they want at the mall.

7. Notice them.  “I notice you working hard on things.”  “I notice you doing your homework each day after school.”  You don’t need to go on and on.  In fact, your teen may hate that.  Pick up on their cues.  One sentence may be enough.

8. Offer help.  “Can I help you in anyway?”  When you get the feedback regarding how annoying you are being, head for another room with grace.  Avoid comments about how ungrateful they are or mumbling under your breath.  Just be proud your teen is getting it done.

Affirmation
With my knowledge and experiences, I can help my child be successful.

The Holiday Wrecking Ball

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pumpkin pie and red drink Holidays can crash the wrecking ball in on what people try to keep intact the rest of the year. An, “I don’t care” attitude about disconnections from family members. An, “It doesn’t bother me,” attitude about loved ones who are deceased.  In reality, it impacts people deep. Probably deeper than they even know.

Holidays can offer a real mirror into how alone people really are. Dinners with limited participants. Few, if any, gifts. And an overall feeling of just going through the motions.

Why do we do this to ourselves? It’s in the name of tradition, darn it! Tradition of what?  In remembrance of your parents and your grandparents being miserable with their own relatives? Fun!

There can be such pressure for people to do what they don’t want to do for the sake of others who are probably feeling similarly to you. Why spend time with people you spend the whole year trying to avoid at a time toted as being “the best time of the year?” Oh right, tradition.

How about making your own tradition? Spending time with people you really love. Doing good deeds for others. Attending a service or festivity. Reading a book. Doing something that brings the real sense of spirit into your heart. Now that sounds more like it.

I know there are just some things and people you cannot get away from. Well, maybe you really could but tradition and guilt and obligation are all tied, so there you are sipping some eggnog. But maybe the way you think about it could be shifted.

When we think we are going to dread something, we generally do. When we think an experience is going to be awful, it generally is to some degree. What if you take the glass is half full approach to whatever it is you are doing this holiday?

Try these on for size:

1. I am so glad I get to eat a home cooked meal.

2. While I wasn’t happy to see everyone, I am so glad I got to see my cousin Trevor.

3. I love Aunt Tammie’s special hot cocoa.

4. I am blessed for how I live my life.

5. I am a patient person.

Happy Holidays to each of you. Thank you for reading my stuff throughout the year. In an effort to have the glass half full, I am blessed!

Affirmation

I can feel positive during the holidays no matter my obligations.