Normal Versus Unique

Well worth 6 minutes and 8 seconds of your life.  Be inspired to be yourself, to allow your children to be themselves, and to go against the grain.

The Need For Others

Yeah, I get it. You want to do it yourself. You don’t want to have to rely on anyone to support you. You don’t want to bring anyone else down or count on anyone to be there for you. Got it.

Google Webmaster Relationship Loss of Trust

I hear this type of talk regularly and want you to understand something very important and crucial to the human existence.

WE NEED PEOPLE.

We need people to support us, love us, tell us what we are doing is not ok, be kind to us, help us, encourage us, be quiet with us, have fun with us, teach us, grow with us, cry with us, tell us the truth, and hold us.

WE NEED PEOPLE.

It can be so hard to allow the need for others to be met. Here are some reasons why.

  • It could be the message we got from parents both verbally and non-verbally to not need others.
  • It could be the best friend who blabbed all your secrets and taught the lesson that people you are close to cannot be trusted.
  • Maybe your favorite teacher shamed you in front of the whole class.
  • The BFF co-worker who put you down at the team meeting to make herself look better.
  • It could be the person who you loved stopped loving you back.
  • The idea that everyone we love dies, so why get close.

There are many reasons the belief to rely on others get tainted. Experiences are had that affirm this belief and patterns develop.

Therapy is an opportunity to undo this learning and work through issues of trust, shame, feeling burdensome, depression, anxiety, and a host of other ways of being and feeling that occur when we come from a place of not needing people.

Relationships are everything in this world. Think about it? Relationship with people, pets, events, things, you name it, it is the relationship that matters.

The relationship with a therapist, whether a child, teen, or adult is a place where expression and healing can happen. Both verbally and non-verbally a relationship of acceptance and humanness is offered. It is an exceptional thing to be accepted as is and to have one’s strengths be seen. Each relationship is so remarkably different. No two therapies can be the same.

We can heal old relationships and hurt. We can put to rest negative patterns when we take time to work on our stuff. It is a beautiful process.

You’re In Luck: New Girls’ Support Group Forming

Not only are you in luck but so am I.  Why the both of us?  Because I am excited to announce the opening of my next Girls’ Support Group for 5th and 6th grade girls happening on Thursday’s from 4-5PM.

So again, why the luck?  Because I am offering a venue for your daughter to come and be herself, learn tools to help her navigate the social world being this age carries, and you can kick back for an hour and know your child is being cared for and learning simply through being present and participating.

And I, Sierra, am lucky because?  This is what I love to do.  I love creating a group dynamic that challenges girls to bring their best self forward and let the light within them shine.  I love teaching and encouraging girls to be themselves and bring their inner strengths to the forefront.

How do I know this works?  I have been running groups for over 12 years and have seen the results.  Anxiety lessens, confidence is built, friends are made, social skills are fine tuned, opinions are shared, communications skills developed…these are some of the many direct effects working in a group with a qualified therapist can create.

When does it start?  Please contact me for an initial consultation and start date.

How often does the group meet?  The group will meet weekly each Thursday, and it is important your daughter attend every group possible.  By your child’s attendance, safety and cohesiveness is created and vitally important to creating a successful group.

How many girls in the group?  No more than 6 girls will be in the group.

How do I sign up my girl?  You can email me at sierradator@gmail.com or contact me via phone at 707-478-4351.

What if I have a child that doesn’t meet these age qualifications but could benefit from a group?  Contact me anyway.  I currently have a group for 9th and 10th grade girls meeting on Tuesdays.  I am always open to the idea of creating more groups for kids.

 

 

Quick Fix

15290127002_7507a74efb_mOn a Sunday morning, you will typically find me somewhere delving into spirituality in some capacity.  More recently, I joined a meditation class taught by a dear friend of mine.

While I had been a devoted Yogi for many years pre-kid and a sweat lodge goer in between, a formal meditation class was something new.

I wasn’t sure what to expect so I grabbed a few of my girls and settled into the car for a jaunt down the 101.

As we entered the studio what transpired wasn’t too unfamiliar.  We focused on different places in the body and gathered our attention back to focus when it drifted. Upon opening my eyes, I consistently felt lighter and clearer.

If you have worked with me before, you may know guided imagery is a tool I use in my practice.  I thoroughly enjoy taking people on a mental journey using the breath and body to connect with something deeper than the buzz of the outside world.

In our fast paced society, so often we just want to get there.  We want results and move away from the process, which is often much more important than the end result anyway.  And through the process we find much of the time we get results we didn’t even know were possible.

This line of thinking is also a reminder of what therapy is like.  So many people want to be fixed fast.  Get quick results.  The reality is it can often take time to unravel the defenses and get in touch with what lives inside.

We cannot meditate 3 times and feel we will never need to do it again to settle us down, nor can we trust 3 sessions of therapy is going provide us all with all the emotional answers to what ails us.

I will say this though, meditation and therapy can be a good start.  The work we can do to get in touch with the deeper part of ourselves is certainly worth it if we are in a place to go there.

AFFIRMATION

I step outside of my comfort zone and take in what is offered to me.

Facing My Own Fear

Last week I held my own feet to the fire. Boy did it feel hot. At least in my body. Somehow in my mind it had stayed cool.

 

You see, I got up and spoke in front of 400 high school kids last week and gave a talk on stress management and career development. I would love to say public speaking is my thing, but…..

I have a desire to be a great public speaker and inside me burns this motivation to connect and make a difference with people in a big way. In my mind I can see myself being funny, charming, and winning over a crowd. In reality though, it takes me a bit to gain the confidence that would win over a small circle of people let alone an auditorium.

But that’s ok. Maybe, just maybe, I reached one teen. Maybe they heard about warning signs of depression so they can know when to get some support.  Or possibly, one of the teenagers took me up on the challenge to do at least one thing each day that really satisfies them and is outside of the daily grind for fifteen minutes. Then there is the possibility, in seeing an obviously anxious person give a speech to 400 strangers, one of them felt inspired to face their own fears.

Who knows? I like thinking of the maybe’s.

I kicked off this post by mentioning how my mind had stayed cool but my body clearly knew it was anxious; I am fascinated by this concept. I am constantly trying to develop and test ideas and techniques to help those dealing with anxieties, so I try and practice on myself.

What I did was tell myself I was going to give this presentation no matter what, and I didn’t need to be anxious because it was going to happen anyway. I did not allow any anxious thoughts in and just kept it positive. My motto was, “I’m just going to do this.”

Oddly enough it worked. Now I still had the physical sensations of being anxious: rapid heartbeat, shallow breathing, upset stomach.  But I just moved through it and didn’t allow any negative thinking to permeate the picture.

In holding my own feet to the fire, I now officially know I am capable and have a benchmark set on how it is I can improve.

Am I in love with public speaking? No. Would I do it again? Yes. Why? Because if I am going to ask those around me to challenge themselves then I better have some life experience and training to back it all up.

In the work I do, I ask people to confront their fears. Put their own feet to the fire. The more we do it the easier it becomes. It doesn’t mean we have to like it, but maybe by some chance we will.

AFFIRMATION

I can do anything I set my mind too.

Faith

Since I was child, faith has been a part of my life.  Either an abundance of, a questioning of, or a lack of, faith in God and what is above all else has been on mind.

I continue to take a deep look inside myself and in faith around me.  From others, I learn from their journeys, certainties, and uncertainties.  I am continually amazed at how my mind can be so set in one way and then shift to new thinking and questions.

By Joe Wolf4September2011

By Joe Wolf
4September2011

At times I am so grounded in my faith, nothing could shake it.  And at others, I am so uncertain.  I long to just know.

This curiosity has led me to read and study.  I find excitement and knowing, then disappointment and unanswered questions.

I know I am not alone in this wavering.  Back and forth, round and round.  Just when I feel so set, the wind blows, and I am left once again searching.  I am hungry for answers and relish in the ability to think about possibilities.

As the days pass and I become more aware, I find myself wondering what I will feel and know in a year or ten.  I look forward to the unveiling and ultimately hope in the face of the day to day struggles that surround us all, the knowing will become clear and in peace I will live and rest.

Tween Girls Open Their Hearts

http://Dream a Little Dream - CompleteWhat do you get when you mix a therapist in with a group of tween girl scouts? A lot of art, laughter, tears, and talking. Last Friday I had the honor of meeting with a local girl scout troop to address issues of friendship.

These girls were ready to talk. Before we even went around and introduced ourselves, questions about what we would be doing and a desire to talk about things happening between group members were pushed to the forefront.

With introductions made, group rules set, and art supplies at their fingertips, the girls began to create what lies in their hearts. From important people and pets to happy and sad memories, the girls opened up about what lives inside. Everyone wanted to share something about their life experiences, especially those like the death of a relative, pet, or people they missed.

Tears were shed and support was given to one another. Then the therapist in me pulled it all together and inquired about ways they have gotten their hearts broken by the group, what they can do if they are seeing someone get their heart broken, and what they can do if someone is breaking their’s.

What struck me most was how willing and eager these beautiful girls were to share. While they have a relationship with one another already, they were able to be vulnerable with one another and risk connecting in a different way.

When all was said and done, the girls busted open the door to their troop mother’s on the other side and bounded down the stairs with laughter and lighter hearts. The outpouring of thanks from the girls themselves created such a joy and appreciation within me for who they are and their experiences.

I am so lucky to do the work I do!  If you are looking for a group speaker for an event and think I might be a good fit, please feel free to contact me. I love giving to our close knit community, one heart at a time!

 

3 Pearls For Parents On Anxiety

I was honored this month to present to parents of Mary Collins at Cherry Valley School on how to support an anxious 10-14 year old kid. Once again, parents asked many great questions and stayed after to chat about the information.

With that said, I would like to pass along a few pearls of wisdom shared with this lovely community by myself and colleague Marcus Moore, MFT.

Pearl #1

I meet with many children and adults who simply want their anxiety to go away. But the reality is, we all have anxiety and to a certain degree, it is helpful in alerting us to danger and helping us to be safe. For example, if you are walking down a dark street and someone starts walking behind you, you may begin to feel anxious. This is a good form of anxiety as it keeps you on your toes and may cause you to go into a store front or call someone on your cell phone to let them know where you are.

Where anxiety falters is when you experience perceived danger but actually are not in any or the amount you are perceiving is over the top. For example, if you begin to feel highly anxious every time you walk down the street and feel everyone behind you is a threat, the danger you are perceiving may be inaccurate. Of course, there are certain factors that could play into this scenario and make the danger real.

Pearl #2

One of the first things to look at when dealing with anxiety is taking a look at whether your child actually is in danger. If a child is fearful to go to school and really is being bullied, then the anxiety the child is feeling may be warranted. Or if a teen is threatened to be hurt by someone, then the anxiety they are experiencing is warranted and appropriate action to ameliorate the danger is needed.

Another way kids can be in danger is if they are feeling suicidal and/or doing self harm.  Some kids with anxiety also experience depression and can lead to thoughts of death or self-harm behaviors.  It may be important to ask your child if they are feeling depressed and if they have ever thought about ending their own life or are hurting themselves in any way. I know this is a hard question to ask but a very important one.

Pearl #3

Many parents have anxious children and wonder when they should actually be concerned. I recommend taking note of how anxiety is impacting their daily functioning. If the anxiety is greatly effecting their home, school, and/or social life, it might be time to make some changes by talking with a professional at their school or privately and/or getting some self-help resources.  Things to look for include:

  • Friendships-Making/keeping friends
  • School-Refusing to go, hard to get out of bed
  • Relationships- Disconnection, frequent arguments
  • Activities- Withdrawal, decreased energy and performance
  • Inability to do things wanting to do-Won’t/cannot do something
  • Sleep- Too much, disrupted, or unable
  • Eating- Too much or too little, changes in regular appetite, gaining or losing weight without intention, comfort eating
  • Safety- Child becomes suicidal or starts self-harm AKA cutting
  • Panic Attacks
  • Somatic Complaints (i.e. stomach aches, headaches, heart palpitations)

Help is available when it comes to managing anxiety and depression.  Please check out my website for more information and resources to help support you and your child.

AFFIRMATION
I have the ability to support my child in the ups and downs of life.

Anxiety and Depression

black and white of man standing in front of a large windowDepression and anxiety are like brother and sister. For many folks, it seems like you cannot have one without the other. It is often hard to distinguish what came first.

So often, people want their symptoms to just go away. NO MORE ANXIETY. But the reality is, certain levels of anxiety are normal and serve a purpose. Anxiety serves us well when we are going out to our parked car and decide to wait for a friend to walk out with us. Anxiety can actually help keep us safe in a lot of instances and inform us of what we need to pay attention to.

When anxiety doesn’t serve us well is when it impacts our daily life to the point where we cannot go out to the car, go out at night, go to work, go to school, be with friends, and so on. When it gets in the way of things we really want to do, anxiety is a problem.

Depression follows suit. When it gets in the way of doing the things we want to do and people we want to be with, it is a problem. When we can’t get out of bed, can’t put food in our stomach, feel like we are so agitated we want to rip someone’s face off, that can be seen as a problem.

Some people are so anxious they start to feel depressed, while others feel so depressed they start to become anxious.  When getting in the way of life, it is important to talk with someone about their symptoms and come up with a plan when someone is ready for change.

We cannot change someone unless they want it, but it doesn’t mean therapy cannot be advantageous if someone is stuck in their ways. Therapy can help clarify with someone what stage they are in the change process, give a different perspective, and help motivate someone.

The great thing about anxiety and depression is they are both highly treatable using a variety of methods. I’m a little partial to therapy, not only because I am a therapist but because I have seen it be very effective in treating these issues.

It is important if someone is experiencing anxiety and/or depression to get a medical evaluation from their doctor to rule out any medical conditions. Certain conditions can be masked with anxiety and depression so it is very important to start with a check-up.

Like most brothers and sisters, they go their separate ways as life progresses. Wouldn’t it be nice to have depression and anxiety get old and move on? I thought so.

Music and Me

I am an East Coaster. I’ve been to the very tip of Maine to both coasts of Florida and everything in between. Most recently, I traveled to my old stompin’ grounds in the Finger Lakes of New York where I got to catch a day and night of the Grassroots Music Festival in Trumansburg.

This festival was beyond amazing. Not only because I voyaged solo and was immersed in breathtaking scenery. Not only because I got to see people I hadn’t seen in years. Not only because of the music which kept my feet moving to hours of the morning. But because together, it all made sense.

 

And it made sense through one song that still has my attention today. The band Driftwood out of Binghamton, NY and their song “Working Mom’s Anthem” has become a song even my children know the words to. A super hearty bluegrass band whose fiddle player was raw and on fire that night. As my body grooved next to one of my closest friends, she was like, “this is my new favorite band.”

So what is it about this song? Follow the link to see for yourself. What I want to talk about is deeper than the tune.

For me, it just highlights what it feels like to be me on some days. “I’m tired of being tired. I’m old and I’m tired. And my hands are tired. I’m tired.”  Or the catchy phrase, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”

You see, within us lives so many different sides of ourselves. They emerge depending on who we are with, what the weather is like, what we are doing, what we think about, what book we read, who posted what on Facebook. Too many variables to name. Sometimes we may like a certain look or find material possessions really important. Sometimes we may want to live simply and be known for being kind and friendly. Sometimes we don’t want to be known at all. Sometimes we want to try on a new way of being: a new trend, a new trait.  Sometimes we are too scared, in fear of being judged.

Young people are all searching for identity. “Who am I? Who do I want to be? Who don’t I want to be?” What I have come to realize within the search for self is that within us lies many sides. To pin one down would be unfortunate really. All these sides make up the beauty within and offer us the chance to be so unique from one another versus being one dimensional.

Even adults still grapple with this concept. Fear of being judged or stepping outside the comfort zone. Especially in a small town for which many of you grew up in. People get set in these identities, and they can be hard to shake.

All I know is, I don’t want to be one dimensional.  That doesn’t sound good at all.

Driftwood.  Working Mom’s Anthem.  Who I am during some moments of a day and you may be too.