Conflict in relationships is inevitable. The challenge is that most couples often have different ways of communicating.
Some people need time to process their feelings away from others while others can quickly articulate their feelings in the very moment.
Some people need the space to figure out what is actually relevant while others know this for themselves very quickly.
Others want to talk right away while their partner is incapable of this task.
One of the tough aspects of relationships is that many of the people you care for are so different than yourself.
Knowing differences are normal is helpful. With couples in particular, The Gottman Institute says roughly 2/3 of couple’s problems are unsolvable. That’s a whopping statistic!
This information is helpful to know because no couple is in full agreement, no matter what you are assuming.
With that said, it’s only natural for conflict to arise. Whether big or small, it’s bound to happen with people you are close to.
How To Help Yourself
In the times when it feels like differences are unsolvable, one suggestion is to acknowledge this fact.
The Gottman Institute suggests what also proves helpful to couples is to not try and convert one another to coming to your side but to instead realize this is an “unsolvable problem.” With these types of problems, the task is to recognize and respect the fact that you and your other are different. Period.
So the next time you are in conflict, especially if it is an ongoing issue, check in with yourself to see if it’s unsolvable. I know it might not always be easy to distinguish this fact, but take some time to consider it.
Knowing a problem is unsolvable just might be the remedy to the difficulty ailing you.
Depression, weight gain, and helpful treatment go hand in hand. Because one of the symptoms of depression is changes in appetite, weight gain can happen.
However, with depression, it can be the case of the chicken or egg. Meaning, we want to look at what came first. Did the weight gain contribute to depression or did the depression cause weight gain? If the weight gain is what caused someone to feel depressed, then the treatment would be to find healthy ways to lose the weight if indicated. However, if the weight gain is as a result of a depressive episode, we are going to want to treat the depression itself. We won’t want to focus solely on the weight gain.
Symptoms of Depression Leading to Weight Gain
Unfortunately, depression makes it hard to lose weight for a variety of reasons. One major symptom of depression is anhedonia. Anhedonia is the loss of pleasure in things we ordinarily would find joy in doing. For many people, exercise and cooking healthy meals are activities bringing them joy. However, when a depressive episode strikes, they may lose interest in these healthy activities. In addition to anhedonia, loss of motivation is another symptom of depression. It is challenging to lose weight if you aren’t motivated.
Hopelessness is another symptom of depression. It is hard to make positive changes when feeling this way. Lastly, when people are depressed, healthy habits and ways of coping tend to go out the window and unhealthy forms take over. Things like grabbing take out for most meals, drinking alcohol in excess, smoking marijuana leading to food cravings, binge eating, and eating high carbohydrate and sugary foods to soothe are all ways people with depression may turn to cope.
Depression, Weight Gain, and Helpful Treatment
Luckily, there are many healthy ways to manage weight while dealing with depression. Most of these healthy ways start with awareness. If one is aware they are snacking at 10PM, a solution might be to stop eating after dinner. In addition, if one finds they stopped exercising, then they might engage in some movement that feels good. Taking walks out in nature or going on a hike with a friend could be helpful. Also, if they aren’t eating anything for breakfast this behavior can cause them to binge later in the day. Eating something before 10 AM would be helpful. Another point of awareness is if one acknowledges how much they are drinking. They might decide to cut it back to two beers instead of 4 and only on the weekends.
Also, having an accountability partner can help. For example, you and a friend texting each other everyday after you did some movement activity can help folks keep themselves on track. When one starts to care for themselves in small manageable steps, these steps then build on one another eventually leading to more health, wellness, and mood improvement.
Give Yourself Some Grace
The other option when it comes to depression is to give yourself some grace. Depression is often an episode, meaning it goes on for a period of time and doesn’t last forever. People should be kind to themselves and let it be ok if they aren’t feeling motivated or finding joy. It will return. Sometimes medication can be helpful as well. Turning to medication when a depressive episode is going on too long or one cannot seem to find any motivation or will is always an option. Talk to your doctor or psychiatrist if you are needing medication support.
Depression, weight gain, and helpful treatment is available. Talk to your doctor or therapist around ways to get support. You can find out more information about weight gain and depression here. If you would like to talk with me about depression, please reach out to me here.
Ready to learn one valuable strategy for emotional regulation? Do you want to learn a practical tool you can start using today? Perfect!
We all have a window of tolerance. Sometimes our ability to tolerate things is big. We can handle a lot. Sometimes our window is only cracked or feels completely closed. These are days we cannot tolerate much.
When we get out of our window, we can become hyper-aroused, meaning anxious, energetic, and moving quick without intention. Or we can become hypo-aroused, meaning slow, down, depressed, tired, or numb.
When we use the theory of the window, we can assess how much we can tolerate and move about our day accordingly. We can also use tools to help us get back into our window or make the window wider.
My tools include alone time, walking, exercising, reading, or talking with a very close friend. On the other hand, being super social, around lots of noise, or enmeshed in clutter are sure ways to kick me out of my window or not allow me to get back in.
I encourage you to use this one valuable strategy for emotional regulation to bring awareness to your own life and how you function. This theory helpful and tangible. I use it regularly and hope you do too!
The Window of Tolerance theory is developed by Dr. Dan Siegel. He is an amazing clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and the founding co-director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center at UCLA.
In closing, if you would like to schedule an appointment to learn how to emotionally regulate with more ease, then go ahead and reach out to me here.
While mental health matters, it can be really hard to be honest with oneself when it comes to it. Facing depression, anxiety, OCD, trauma, or other mental health challenges can feel daunting, embarrassing, and even shameful. Denial, projection, substance abuse, over working, or other defense mechanisms come to the rescue, but their aid only goes so far.
While one might want to push their mental health away from them, it’s always there. It shows up in every relationship one has, from romance to friendship to parenting to work life to name a few. Mental health matters because it is a major aspect of overall wellbeing.
If you recognize you’re holding your mental health as a secret, the place to start is to be honest with yourself. To say yes, I think I might be depressed. To say yes, I’m smoking too much pot to not deal with my break up. To say yes, I’m avoiding dating because I’m anxious. To say yes, that sexual assault in my teens is still effecting me. To say yes, I’m f*ing up my kids because I’m checked out. I know it’s hard to be honest with oneself but the flip side of not is detrimental to you and those you love.
Addressing one’s mental health takes courage. The outcome can be life changing for you and those you love. You deserve to feel better, and so do all the people that love you!
Want to know how to get rid of anxiety? Great! I’d love to be of help to you. First, let’s look at the equation for what causes anxiety:
an increased threat
+ an inability to cope
= increased anxiety
For example, what if my boss doesn’t like the proposal I submitted (increased threat)? What if she chooses someone else for the promotion (threat getting bigger) or even fires me (and even bigger)? I don’t know what I’d do (inability to cope). Now I can’t think about anything else (now your anxious).
In this situation, what we want to do is flip the script. In fact, this is how we get rid of anxiety. We want to decrease the threat and increase the ability to cope.
a decreased threat
+ ability to cope=
decreased anxiety
Here’s an example: What if my boss likes what I submitted (decreased threat). What if she chooses me for the promotion (threat still decreasing) or even has bigger plans for me (threat is decreased). Even if she doesn’t like the proposal, it’ll be ok. Maybe I’ll get some good feedback (ability to cope). I guess I’ll just see what happens. It will work out (no anxiety).
When we can change the equation of anxiety, we can improve our mood and overall mental health. As a result, we can even learn to live well with anxiety!
Get help now for anxiety
Want some help learning to flip the script of anxiety? Want to learn tips, tools, and strategies to learn to tolerate anxiety better and even eliminate it? If so, go ahead and reach out to me for support. You can send me an email here.
It is very easy to get caught up in feeling not good enough both personally and professionally. With awareness of what is happening for us, we can make great changes with a few powerful strategies.
“Keep Your Eyes On Your Own Mat”
One of my favorite strategies for combating not feeling good enough is to practice the mindset of “keeping my eyes on my own mat.” I discovered this strategy from my years as a yoga practitioner. In my yoga class, I used to often take a peek at the person next me. Sometimes I would look at my neighbor and be in appreciation for what they could do. Other times, I’d find myself in a state of comparison, envy, and agitation for not being as flexible, fit, glamorous, or practiced as them. In essence, not feeling adequate! When I feel this way, I tell myself to keep my eyes on my own mat. Because what is actually happening for me within my tiny rectangular spot is all that matters. I have used this metaphor outside of the yoga room in both my personal and professional life.
While I find joy in what others are doing and have, I also get caught up in the humanness of not feeling enough. When I see colleagues flourishing, moms who have it all together, or whatever else the flavor of not being enough takes on, I remind myself to keep my eyes on my own mat. This involves getting off social media, going back to my work, or literally looking down at my own feet. This practice reminds me all that matters is on my mat, not anybody else’s. It’s a powerful mindset shift helping to reframe and improve how I feel about myself.
Bring Yourself Outside When Not Feeling Good Enough
A second strategy I use when feelings of not being good enough creep in is getting out in nature. Nature brings me full circle back to what what I value in life. For me, a healthy, simple life with my family and limited material possessions along with an acceptance of who I am is what I need. However, I too get caught up in what the American culture is selling and what the Jones’s have next door. If I spend enough time on social media, I find myself wanting more, being critical of myself, and wondering if I am doing or have enough. Nature is the perfect remedy to inadequacy. I always feel enough when hiking in the forest or strolling the ocean’s sandy shore.
Bring Gratefulness To the Table
Gratitude is the third strategy I use when not feeling good enough. When I remember all I have versus what I don’t, I improve my mindset almost instantly. I have so much to be grateful for. When I turn my attention to this fact, my deficits melt away. I try to remind myself of all I am, all I can do, and all I have. Gratitude is a mighty way to shift any mindset into one of feeling enough.
In closing, normal feelings of of not feeling good enough pop up for everyone. However, when we recognize this feeling, we can shift our mindset. While this isn’t always easy, using these strategies is extremely helpful.
If not feeling enough is getting in the way of your life, please feel free to reach out to me to schedule an appointment. Also, if you want to literally put the yoga metaphor to the test, you can find a listing of local classes here.
How do you stop ruminating anxious thoughts? This is no easy task if you are caught up in the web of anxiety. Here are my four favorite tools for coping with anxious ruminating thoughts.
1. Mindfulness. Keep bringing yourself back to the present moment. What do you hear, see, feel, taste, and touch. This can take a bit of work if you are caught in rumination but it gives you a break from the repetitive thoughts and can eventually lead you out.
2. Affirmations. Pick a helpful thought and stick to it. “It’s going to be ok.” “I have all I need.” “This feeling will pass.” Go back to this over and over and over. Let it soothe you.
3. Distraction. Find something to take your mind off the thoughts. For me, I go on a hike, read a book, and take pleasure in pets to help me enter into a mindful state where anxiety does not live. In addition, remember to use helpful and healthy distractions, not ones further increasing bad feelings about yourself.
4. Time passing. With enough time, ruminating thoughts will pass. Maybe within hours or a day. With severally anxious and pervasive thoughts, you may wonder if you’ll ever get away from the worry. Have faith. In my experience, first the thought will begin to lose intensity and then will eventually melt away. It may have some lingering moments in the day(s) to come but they will be short lived.
The Key To Stopping Anxious Ruminating Thoughts
The key to stopping anxious ruminating thoughts is to use helpful tools in lessening the intensity. Naturally, the anxiety will go away as the intensity reduces. Undoubtedly, what works for one person may not work for another, so you may have to try a few strategies and use them repeatedly. In addition, keep in mind living well with anxiety is an ongoing practice and one we can learn to do well with even when anxious ruminating thoughts strike.
If you want to talk more with me about how to stop anxious ruminating thoughts, then go ahead and email me to set up an appointment. I’d love to talk more! Also, here is another great resource for coping with ruminating anxiety.
Feeling some covid anxiety about getting back to life?
It’s common to feel some degree of anxiety when it comes to reentering post vaccine life. After all, you’ve been living in quarantine for the past year doing your best to stay away from others and those nasty germs. For those who already have a disposition to anxiety, the fear can be heightened.
One idea is to take it slow. You don’t have to go all out in attending every social function and dinner offered to you. When it comes to working with most anxieties, exposure therapy is recommended. This therapy entails exposing yourself to what you fear in manageable steps. You might first start out with a small, outdoor gathering and stay for 30 minutes. The next week you might do another small gathering but staying for 1 hour. Eventually building up to whatever your end goal is. Exposure therapy helps us build tolerance to what we fear.
Using Nature To Ease COVID Anxiety
If you’ve really been isolated, using outdoor spaces is a great reentry point. The fresh air and literal space can be a nice place to begin exposing yourself and working through your fears. There are many local, state, and national parks to roam. In fact, starting local and moving to bigger parks could actually be a great step in exposure as bigger parks often have more people. Or even going super early in the morning could be a great first step as midday and evening foot traffic in hiking spots can increase.
Not sure where to go? Here is a link to both Sonoma County Regional Parks and California National Parks. There is so much beauty where we live. Being in calming environments can be great when it comes to anxiety, helping us to tap into our parasympathetic nervous system.
Stay tuned for more ideas on healthy ways to cope and even live well with covid anxiety and stress!
If you would like some help on how to work through covid anxiety or are curious about using exposure therapy, please feel free to contact me for support and answers.
Many people are scared of therapy. Let’s talk about why.
“The truest most beautiful life never promises to be an easy one. We need to let go of the lie it’s supposed to be.” ~Glennon Doyle~
Why people fear therapy
I am a therapist and human, and I like to keep things real. Glennon Doyle’s writings are nothing but. She opens up about marriage, infidelity, raising kids, alcoholism, bulimia, and finding a way to make room for her authentic self. Her life at times is a sheer mess, but she rises within it by moving towards her truth. This move takes sheer courage and bravery and can teach us all that vulnerability is the path towards living the life we desire.
Many people feel scared of therapy. Fear of judgement, shame, and what one will find on their journey of self exploration terrify people to never schedule an appointment and begin. And I totally get it. I’ve been on “the other side of the couch.” So if you aren’t ready for therapy yet, pick up Doyle’s book Untamed and start there. When you’re done reading and witnessing the transformation Doyle goes through by finding her voice and listening to that deep inner self, feel free to reach out to me.
The Reality of Life
We all have a past, make mistakes, and have the possibility to lighten our metaphorical bags by unpacking what is there. Therapy is a great place to do that. Because listen, we don’t heal in isolation. We heal in relationship to others.
Life is hard. It’s messy, confusing, terrifying, and full of lows. Simultaneously, life is easy. It’s beautiful, joyous, peaceful, and full of highs. Additionally, life is everything in between. If you can accept this fact, that life is meant to be this way, you’ll be better off. How do you do this? Well Doyle’s way is to “Be still and know.” My way is to hike. Find your own way. If you want help, let me know.
When it comes to social anxiety, take note. We are talking reasonable. Reasonable means not throwing yourself to the wolves and trying to FaceTime your most gorgeous coworker that you never talk to. At least not yet.
When it comes to social anxiety, you want to start in incremental steps. You might begin by FaceTiming a friend, if this method of communication makes you socially uncomfortable. Then you might start saying hi to people you pass by, with the knowledge people might not say hi back. Next you could practice having organic conversations with store clerks. Moving on to joining group friend zooms and making an intentional effort to speak up. Then joining a networking meeting. On and on. You get to set the steps, working up to your final goal. Just make sure those are reasonable steps to take. And yes, you will and SHOULD feel uncomfortable. That’s how you are going to grow!
I’m talking about building tolerance to feeling uncomfortable and watching social anxiety melt away. Right down to a puddle on the ground with you smiling big because you feel connected to people and more confident in your abilities.
So often what we fear is much worse than what actually happens.
They key is you’ve got to get comfortable with being uncomfortable then you can start to feel comfortable. Makes sense? Good! You’ve got this!
Want to read more about anxiety help? Click here other articles written by me.
Want to talk with me about getting help for social anxiety? Contact me!
