Conflict in relationships is inevitable. The challenge is that most couples often have different ways of communicating.
Some people need time to process their feelings away from others while others can quickly articulate their feelings in the very moment.
Some people need the space to figure out what is actually relevant while others know this for themselves very quickly.
Others want to talk right away while their partner is incapable of this task.
One of the tough aspects of relationships is that many of the people you care for are so different than yourself.
Knowing differences are normal is helpful. With couples in particular, The Gottman Institute says roughly 2/3 of couple’s problems are unsolvable. That’s a whopping statistic!
This information is helpful to know because no couple is in full agreement, no matter what you are assuming.
With that said, it’s only natural for conflict to arise. Whether big or small, it’s bound to happen with people you are close to.
How To Help Yourself
In the times when it feels like differences are unsolvable, one suggestion is to acknowledge this fact.
The Gottman Institute suggests what also proves helpful to couples is to not try and convert one another to coming to your side but to instead realize this is an “unsolvable problem.” With these types of problems, the task is to recognize and respect the fact that you and your other are different. Period.
So the next time you are in conflict, especially if it is an ongoing issue, check in with yourself to see if it’s unsolvable. I know it might not always be easy to distinguish this fact, but take some time to consider it.
Knowing a problem is unsolvable just might be the remedy to the difficulty ailing you.
Depression, weight gain, and helpful treatment go hand in hand. Because one of the symptoms of depression is changes in appetite, weight gain can happen.
However, with depression, it can be the case of the chicken or egg. Meaning, we want to look at what came first. Did the weight gain contribute to depression or did the depression cause weight gain? If the weight gain is what caused someone to feel depressed, then the treatment would be to find healthy ways to lose the weight if indicated. However, if the weight gain is as a result of a depressive episode, we are going to want to treat the depression itself. We won’t want to focus solely on the weight gain.
Symptoms of Depression Leading to Weight Gain
Unfortunately, depression makes it hard to lose weight for a variety of reasons. One major symptom of depression is anhedonia. Anhedonia is the loss of pleasure in things we ordinarily would find joy in doing. For many people, exercise and cooking healthy meals are activities bringing them joy. However, when a depressive episode strikes, they may lose interest in these healthy activities. In addition to anhedonia, loss of motivation is another symptom of depression. It is challenging to lose weight if you aren’t motivated.
Hopelessness is another symptom of depression. It is hard to make positive changes when feeling this way. Lastly, when people are depressed, healthy habits and ways of coping tend to go out the window and unhealthy forms take over. Things like grabbing take out for most meals, drinking alcohol in excess, smoking marijuana leading to food cravings, binge eating, and eating high carbohydrate and sugary foods to soothe are all ways people with depression may turn to cope.
Depression, Weight Gain, and Helpful Treatment
Luckily, there are many healthy ways to manage weight while dealing with depression. Most of these healthy ways start with awareness. If one is aware they are snacking at 10PM, a solution might be to stop eating after dinner. In addition, if one finds they stopped exercising, then they might engage in some movement that feels good. Taking walks out in nature or going on a hike with a friend could be helpful. Also, if they aren’t eating anything for breakfast this behavior can cause them to binge later in the day. Eating something before 10 AM would be helpful. Another point of awareness is if one acknowledges how much they are drinking. They might decide to cut it back to two beers instead of 4 and only on the weekends.
Also, having an accountability partner can help. For example, you and a friend texting each other everyday after you did some movement activity can help folks keep themselves on track. When one starts to care for themselves in small manageable steps, these steps then build on one another eventually leading to more health, wellness, and mood improvement.
Give Yourself Some Grace
The other option when it comes to depression is to give yourself some grace. Depression is often an episode, meaning it goes on for a period of time and doesn’t last forever. People should be kind to themselves and let it be ok if they aren’t feeling motivated or finding joy. It will return. Sometimes medication can be helpful as well. Turning to medication when a depressive episode is going on too long or one cannot seem to find any motivation or will is always an option. Talk to your doctor or psychiatrist if you are needing medication support.
Depression, weight gain, and helpful treatment is available. Talk to your doctor or therapist around ways to get support. You can find out more information about weight gain and depression here. If you would like to talk with me about depression, please reach out to me here.
People often feel puzzled as to why “the happiest time of year” leaves one feeling sad, depressed, overwhelmed, angry, and lonely, especially if you are someone who has a “good life.” It doesn’t seem to make sense.
I want to pose the idea that for some people trauma gets kicked up over the holiday season. Holidays are full of memories, smells, sights, tastes, and sounds. If you had a childhood that was problematic, especially around the holidays, it is quite possible you are feeling either consciously or unconsciously activated by the holidays.
In the writings of trauma specialist Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D., he reflects on how the body holds sensory memory even though our thinking memories of the past may be suppressed. For some, the smell of a pie baking in the oven evokes a warm feeling of yumminess. For others, the smell can be repulsive. Why is this? The body holds memory in all forms and even though we may not know the conscious memory of why we feel a particular way, it is stored inside of us. If there was an incident where an angry parent smashed a pie against the wall and flew into a rage, this may haven gotten wired into the brain and body. Pie might not invite warm feelings any longer. Especially if something like this happened repeatedly.
Grief and loss is another feeling stored in the body and is often triggered around holiday time, no matter how long ago the loss was.
We are products of our past. Be kind to yourself this holiday time and reach out to those who love you if you are having a tough time. Share your stories with someone you trust and take really good care of yourself. Remember, this is a season, and seasons always change.
Do you remember your 5th-8th grade self? If you are like me, you may remember a variety of selves that showed up. Transitioning from a kid to a teen in the matter of 4 short years. From changing bodies to older topics of conversations to getting in and out of braces. Then there is the labeling yourself, judging others, trying to find your place, changing relationships with your family members and friends, and seeing yourself in a whole new way. And then there is the more modern day changes from no phone to phone and from texting to use of social media platforms.
I believe these years are extremely critical to our development and are a window of opportunity. Kids and teens can still hear us. I see it all the time in my work; kids who are spouting out their family values, words, and beliefs. Towards the junior high time though, many parents feel like their kids stop listening to them. This time is when it can be helpful to have your child hear positive messages from other people.
Deep down inside of me is a teacher with wisdom to share with younger people. While I don’t have all the answers, I believe I do have a knowing based on my own experiences, the experiences of others, and my training to help guide, share, and inspire.
There are a lot of things I wish I would’ve known and why I feel so compelled to run Wise Girl Workshops. Here are a few:
That feeling you get when you start eating a lot of food when you aren’t even hungry or you find yourself drinking faster, that’s anxiety. There are healthy things you can do when you recognize that feeling to take care of yourself and watch it pass.
You can be the person you want to be and you will also have challenges within yourself. That’s ok. You don’t have to be perfect.
You are enough and can love yourself as is AND you can also work to better yourself all at the same time. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.
You can make good decisions for yourself and seek guidance from the loving adults around you. It is ok, and people approve of you asking for help.
We all want attention. You don’t have to seek it out in unhealthy ways and succumb to pressure from others in order to be seen.
We are all just trying to find our place. It’s ok to feel sad, worried, scared, and lonely. It’s ok to talk to someone who cares about you when you feel this way. You aren’t weak. You are human. And you don’t have to happy all the time.
You can dream big and make things happen.
You don’t have to sit quietly when comments, gestures, or requests are made that make you uncomfortable. Stand up for yourself. Set limits with others.
Allow yourself and others to try on different ways of being without judgement. We are all going through it. No one way is right.
Give yourself permission to embrace your strengths. From academic success to athleticism, to being funny and caring. It all counts!
No one ever starts out using substances and intends to be addicted. It can happen to anyone.
If you or your family member suffers from anxiety, chances are you are being bossed around by it. Anxiety might say things like:
“Don’t do that!”
“You can’t do that!”
“Don’t go!”
“Call me when you leave!”
“Text me when you get there!”
“Don’t leave before I tell you to!”
“This is going to be bad!”
Now notice there is an exclamation point after each of these statements. This is because if it were said in a calm, cool manner, it wouldn’t be anxiety. Anxiety has an urgent fretful tone to it, warranting the exclamation. If you hear this more urgent tone coming from yourself or your loved one, odds are good, it is anxiety trying to push you around. Even if you aren’t the one suffering directly, anxiety has been known to be contagious and make others around them feel it too. The whole system gets impacted.
Who likes to be bossed around? (The crowd goes silent.)
So what does one do when anxiety is bossing them around?
1. Once you recognize anxiety is there and possibly bossing you, take a deep breath, maybe even a few to make room in your brain to think rationally about what is happening and what you will do next.
2. Decide if the anxiety is warranted. Ask yourself questions like, “Am I really in danger?” “What will actually happen if I don’t text my kid every 5 minutes from the grocery store as he demanded?”
3. If you are in danger, worry away and get yourself to a safe spot.
4. If are not in any real danger, which most likely is the case, begin to use your logic to talk yourself off the ledge. “Who is talking here? Me or anxiety?” “What is actually going to happen if….?”
5. Soothe yourself by talking calmly to yourself. “I am going to be ok.” “She’ll be back in 30 minutes.”
6. Do something to give your mind a break from the anxiety after you have gone through these steps. We don’t want to avoid our feelings but we do want to give ourselves a bit of space if we are feeling flooded by them, and we do want to move on after we have gone through the steps. No need to stay stuck.
7. Have a party! Recognizing when anxiety is bossing you around and choosing to do something different other than let it take control of you is definitely worth celebrating!
Tomorrow I have the great privilege of motivating kids at one of our local junior high schools through imagery, activity, and or course, eating candy. I am thrilled to have the opportunity to teach kids about empathy, compassion, judgement, and assumptions. I am going to end with this amazing find:
Imagine your boss was watching you 24/7 and evaluating whether you have been “good” at each second of the day. Based on this vigilant watching, your paycheck would arrive or not arrive. You weren’t sure. Was it ok if you chatted for 2 minutes on the phone with your partner about what was for dinner that night? Or grabbing a coffee on the way to a meeting? Does that count as “naughty?”
Those questions could pose some serious pressure.
Now imagine your brain isn’t fully developed enough to be able to reason the way our adult mind can. Imagine people were reminding you everywhere that “your boss is watching!”
The stress for some could feel unsurmountable. You might eventually breakdown: lying, tears, fits, self deprecation, illness, fatigue.
I paint this picture to give you some insight into what it can be like for many children around the holidays. It’s an amazing time of year but with it comes the stress of being perfect and being watched. Yikes!
It might be worthwhile to give your child some room to make mistakes and to empathize with the pressure they may be feeling. Here are a few things you can say when your child is making some poor choices this holiday season.
While Santa may know when we are naughty or nice, he also knows when we do the right thing even after making a poor choice. And it matters to him. Let’s see if you can do the right thing starting now!
I know it can feel hard to do everything right over the holidays with our Elf (name) watching all the time. But I want you to know, its ok to not be perfect. Let’s just do our best to treat others the way we want to be treated. How do you want (person’s name) to treat you right now? Ok, let’s work on treating them the same way.
Did you know the elves sometimes get angry when their toy making doesn’t turn out the exact way they had hoped? Sure do! They have a few tools they use to calm themselves down. They have a special breathing tool they use and I learned it once when I was a kid. It’s called the Santa Belly Breath. First you breath in making your belly as round as Santa’s. Yes, that’s it! That big! Then they hold their breath for a second and slowly let it out…..
Be playful, kind, and loving with your interventions. The way we approach a situation could really make a difference.
Back to the boss analogy for a moment. Let’s say your boss came to you and screamed in your face that you better knock it off! There was no paycheck if you kept it up! You might feel ashamed, extremely worried, and stressed. Would you want the same for your child? Probably not. You probably want them to stop the behavior or have some remorse. But shame? Not exactly.
I ask you to remember to have empathy for the pressure those little people feel and treat your children the way you want to be treated.
Wishing you and your family the very best this holiday season!
AFFIRMATION
I am kind, loving, and playful with myself and those around me.
I wanted to share a recent article about me featured on Simple Practice’s Spotlight Series. Check out this article to learn a more about me and the work I love to do.
